Using public toilets are usually not the highlight of anybody's day, but as a trans person, it can be a really scary experience.
I first started using male toilets at work shortly after I came out. They were separated single restrooms so even if I didn't look male to somebody they couldn't really get upset.
I gradually began using male loos elsewhere when I finished my year of studying in South London, where I stopped attending because I was worried for my safety after being heckled multiple times in the hallway. Leaving that place and beginning again in a new, more local college gave me a fresh start as I could live full-time as myself instead of hiding in the closet for protection.
Now, in my new college, I could use the male toilets, however I would only use the ones on the second and third floors that were never busy during lesson time. I was quite often late back because if somebody came into the bathroom I'd stay and hide in the cubicle until I could make my escape.
Early this year, I went to a local pub with friends and was aggressively asked twice what I thought I was doing in the male bathrooms. This completely shattered my confidence and led to a dramatic increase of anxiety in public.
For a friend's birthday, I went to London with a group and we ended up at an incredibly busy bar. I braved the toilets once and it was terrifying. I was surrounded by much taller, older, masculine men. My heart has never palpitated like that before or since. I spent the rest of the night not drinking in fear of having to use the bathroom again. I actually became quite ill the next day from having dehydrated myself.
I spent a long time avoiding going any place with bathrooms rather than separate cubicles, which, luckily, our local brewery shop has!
Why didn't I just use the women's toilets? Because I am not a woman, it's that simple. My name is Frank, everybody knows me as male and ultimately if I were to get kicked out of a male toilet, I could prove with my ID that I am Francis Alastair.
That's the reality of using public toilets as a trans man.
Thankfully there are no actual laws prohibiting anybody using any toilet. However, some of my American brothers are not so fortunate.
In some states, trans/genderqueer people have to legally use the bathroom that matches their birth sex, not matter how far along in social or medical transition they are. One brother I spoke to doesn't use public toilets at all, as he would either get shouted at in the women's or possibly fined for using the men's.
It's one thing to be transgender, but it's another thing to be transgender and scared.
My confidence in using the right bathroom has grown and grown as I've been on hormones, especially since my voice dropped, but last night was a revelation.
I went to the Royal Albert Hall with my mum and my best friend to see Jurassic Park with the London Philharmonic Orchestra playing the music (I know right!). At the interval, I went to use the bathroom, queued for five minutes, even spoke to a few blokes in there and, with no anxiety or problems what so ever, peed, washed my hands and left.
It was only afterwards that I realised how much of a big deal it was to me. I've been using male toilets everywhere for over a year now, but now I've finally reached a stage where such a stupidly simple, everyday thing, like going to the toilet, doesn't have to be such a big issue in my life.
If you're worried about sharing a restroom with a trans person, just remember they're a lot more scared of you than you are of them.
They just want to pee.
fab
