I've been receiving some wonderful messages recently, so I would like to start my thanking all of you. Whether it's in person or over social media, I truly appreciate you and your support.
As you know, I just had my top surgery consultation. It went extremely well.
Due to recent struggles with anxiety, my mum drove to avoid a two hour train journey. We arrived three hours early in order to beat the South London traffic and had fun wandering around the empty corridors at 6am.
I will be getting it done with Ms Catherine Milroy at St. George's Hospital in Tooting. She was very welcoming and was the perfect mixture of friendly and 'no nonsense'.
She showed me before and after photos of previous patients which were very impressive. Then, she examined me for what felt like 0.3 seconds, taking measurement of my chest and testing the elasticity of my skin. She warned me that because of how pale I am, my scars will be very red for at least two years and will probably stretch. I'm not bothered about that as I love scars and I'll be proud of all of mine. To be honest, I'd take a gaping hole in my chest over breasts, so some obvious scars don't phase me in the slightest.
My mum made sure to ask what ward I would be on and Milroy's response was a very swift "Male. He's a male, he'll be on the male ward".
After discussing the logistics of the surgery, we left feeling relieved and excited.
I went to the photography department to have some pre-surgery nudes done and that was that!
I will be having top surgery in around 5-6 months time and I cannot wait. In the meantime, I'll be impatiently waiting for them to call with a date.
I have always vowed to write honestly about the difficulties of being trans in this blog, and I fully intend on continuing to do so.
The struggles with anxiety I mentioned are down to a really rough patch I have been going through. For the past few weeks, leaving my flat has been incredibly difficult because I will immediately feel nauseous or faint. It has been a real challenge continuing normal life, getting triaged by the uni and attending multiple doctors appointments, but, after years of not knowing why I am like this, I was finally diagnosed with a mood disorder, specifically depression. This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I consider myself to be a naturally happy person, but obviously it's not all about how miserable you are. Lack of motivation, oversleeping, extreme physical anxiety that results in agoraphobia are all aspects of my life that I really struggle with, but now I know it's actually something diagnosable and I'm not just a bit rubbish at life, I feel so much more positive about the future.
But what has this got to do with being trans? My anxieties began three years ago when I was assaulted in a public bathroom because of my identity. It has been a roller-coaster since. I also believe that my negative relationship with my body plays a large role.
I have overcome hard times before and I will do it again, even if I need a little help from some medication and those around me.
Other than this, life is brilliant. I'm in love with my university and my course, there is nothing else I would rather be doing with my life. I have a great social life (when I am able to actually participate) and a devoted boyfriend.
None of this has stopped me from being myself... I'm just doing it from the comfort of my room until I'm back on my feet.
I'd like to say a special thank you to my mum, who really has been my rock.
Also thank you to my boyfriend, Laike, for not letting any of this affect our wonderful relationship.
Love to you all xox
fab
