7 Months on T

The last months has been perhaps the best so far. I've been going out a lot which is amazing to be able to do as I was never confident enough to do so before.
I'm not dating anybody so have time to focus on myself. I actually exercise daily now, so that's... unlike me. I feel much better for it though.
I'm completing therapy for my physical anxiety and I feel as though I've made a major break through.
Onwards and upwards.

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6 Months on T - Update

Half a year on hormones?! That's insane!

It's hard to explain how much has changed in such a short amount of time. The best way to explain it is that I feel completely rejuvenated.

I am still the exact same person I was pre-T, but now I am so much more in touch with myself and a great deal more head-strong. This newfound confidence gave me the boost I needed to discover what I want from life.

I finally feel like I have a purpose and that's awesome.

Have the updated voice comparison with an extra cheesy bit because I love you:

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Sexuality

It's not difficult to realise that gender and sexuality are entirely different things.

Gender is who you are and what you identify as.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

Just like gender, sexuality is on a scale.

Obviously, there are straight people, who are only attracted to the opposite sex.

Then, there are gay people, who are only attracted to the same sex.

Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women.

Pansexuals are attracted to any gender. This does not mean that pansexuals are attracted to everybody. Just like how straight people find certain people attractive, pansexuals do too, however their attraction is not limited by gender.

Asexuals have no sexual attraction to anybody.

What I've learned over the last few years is that it's okay to be any one of these (there are many, many more on the scale).

There are so many sexualities, it's sad to think that people feel like they have to find their label.

I have identified as L,G,B, T and Q within the past decade.

At fifteen, I discovered that I liked both men and women (bisexual). For a few months, I was convinced that I was only interested in women (lesbian). Then, I came to terms with my gender issues and began experimenting with gender fluidity (queer). Obviously, I discovered that I didn't identify with being female (transgender). I was in a relationship with another man for a few months (gay). When I started hormone replacement treatment, I was convinced that I was solely attracted to women again (straight). As my hormones settled down, I realised that I was still attracted to men and, in fact, all genders (pansexual).

So... let's say I've had fun!

What am I now? I simply don't know.

I always picture myself ending up with a woman, but in reality, I never meet women I'm attracted to. I've taken a step back recently to re-evaluate as to whether I'm even attracted to women at all, and I always come up with the same conclusion... I have absolutely no idea! For now, I'm alright with that.

Why should it matter? Being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual, or transgender, or queer, doesn't make me a better or worse person, and unless I'm getting off with them, it certainly shouldn't matter to anybody else!

I'm not saying that sexuality isn't important, and people should feel proud and liberated by their sexuality, but if we are to teach the next generation that there is nothing wrong with being in the LGBTQ community, then we need to teach them that the LGBTQ community are no different from the straight community. Because we're not. We're all human.

At the end of the day, if I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with them, no matter who they are or what they have.

And that's okay.

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Public Toilets

Using public toilets are usually not the highlight of anybody's day, but as a trans person, it can be a really scary experience.

I first started using male toilets at work shortly after I came out. They were separated single restrooms so even if I didn't look male to somebody they couldn't really get upset.

I gradually began using male loos elsewhere when I finished my year of studying in South London, where I stopped attending because I was worried for my safety after being heckled multiple times in the hallway. Leaving that place and beginning again in a new, more local college gave me a fresh start as I could live full-time as myself instead of hiding in the closet for protection.

Now, in my new college, I could use the male toilets, however I would only use the ones on the second and third floors that were never busy during lesson time. I was quite often late back because if somebody came into the bathroom I'd stay and hide in the cubicle until I could make my escape.

Early this year, I went to a local pub with friends and was aggressively asked twice what I thought I was doing in the male bathrooms. This completely shattered my confidence and led to a dramatic increase of anxiety in public.

For a friend's birthday, I went to London with a group and we ended up at an incredibly busy bar. I braved the toilets once and it was terrifying. I was surrounded by much taller, older, masculine men. My heart has never palpitated like that before or since. I spent the rest of the night not drinking in fear of having to use the bathroom again. I actually became quite ill the next day from having dehydrated myself. 

I spent a long time avoiding going any place with bathrooms rather than separate cubicles, which, luckily, our local brewery shop has!

Why didn't I just use the women's toilets? Because I am not a woman, it's that simple. My name is Frank, everybody knows me as male and ultimately if I were to get kicked out of a male toilet, I could prove with my ID that I am Francis Alastair.

That's the reality of using public toilets as a trans man.

Thankfully there are no actual laws prohibiting anybody using any toilet. However, some of my American brothers are not so fortunate.

In some states, trans/genderqueer people have to legally use the bathroom that matches their birth sex, not matter how far along in social or medical transition they are. One brother I spoke to doesn't use public toilets at all, as he would either get shouted at in the women's or possibly fined for using the men's.

It's one thing to be transgender, but it's another thing to be transgender and scared.

My confidence in using the right bathroom has grown and grown as I've been on hormones, especially since my voice dropped, but last night was a revelation.

I went to the Royal Albert Hall with my mum and my best friend to see Jurassic Park with the London Philharmonic Orchestra playing the music (I know right!). At the interval, I went to use the bathroom, queued for five minutes, even spoke to a few blokes in there and, with no anxiety or problems what so ever, peed, washed my hands and left.

It was only afterwards that I realised how much of a big deal it was to me. I've been using male toilets everywhere for over a year now, but now I've finally reached a stage where such a stupidly simple, everyday thing, like going to the toilet, doesn't have to be such a big issue in my life.

If you're worried about sharing a restroom with a trans person, just remember they're a lot more scared of you than you are of them.

They just want to pee.

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Interviews and Such

Interviews and other formal meetings can be very daunting, especially if you're desperate to be accepted as the gender you identify with.

Personally, I don't like to reveal that I am trans, and thankfully I needn't disclose it because I pass 100% of the time now. However, pre-hormones, I did appreciate it when people perhaps warned others beforehand to avoid the awkwardness of misgendering etc, because I was never brave enough to speak up for myself if the situation ever arose.

I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with job interviews between the time that I came out and started hormones because I had a job where I was fully accepted and felt comfortable.

My college interview was pretty scary, but my present tutor was really friendly and I felt perfectly comfortable just being myself. I even found out later in the year that when he was told I was trans he was surprised and supposedly clueless.

I don't plan to ever tell a future employer or tutor that I am trans because it shouldn't matter and I like to think it's not so obvious anymore. That being said, I would like to work with trans people, so I would happily confess in that situation.

Although it is illegal to discriminate against potential employees, it does happen, I know people who it has happened to, and I wouldn't want to risk being turned down.

The only thing about formal meetings and events that make me feel particularly uncomfortable is what to wear. Suits set off my dysphoria like nothing else. Around a year ago, I went suit shopping with my mum and ended up an emotional wreck because they made me feel so disproportionate and showed me how far I was from where I wanted to be. I feel like I'd still get upset if I went now, but I will have to brave it sooner or later for university interviews. You never know, I may be pleasantly surprised. I'll have to let you know...

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Losing Loved Ones

Unfortunately, a really big issue the majority of trans people have to face is losing loved ones because of their transition. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with a lot of that.

When I first came out, a few of my family members send me messages and letters showing their support and reassuring me that I'm still loved and accepted. I urge anybody with a trans family member to do this. It's never too late.

I still have absolutely no idea what a few family members think of me and my transition and although I'd love to know, perhaps they've stayed silent for a reason and I respect that.

Although it wasn't completely directly to do with my transition, I did lose two very important close family members. I was told that due to my transition I was not allowed contact with a family member and because of this I told another that I no longer wanted them in my life. I refuse to feel guilty for who I am.

It still hurts, but I spent most of my teen years being bullied by that side of the family and I don't need toxic people in my life, I've fought to hard to get to where I am now.

As always, there is a positive to this situation. It has taught me a lot, mainly to do with becoming a parent. Being supposedly infertile and unable to have children of my own, I love the idea of adoption. What losing certain family members has taught me is that it wouldn't matter if they were related to me, my children will be my children and they will come first.

When I become a dad, I'll be a dad for the rest of my life, not for a few years until something else comes along.

Today has been a sad day, but I'm feeling pretty body positive and I'm wearing my new happy top (it has rainbows and stuff on it)

Happy birthday, George.

fab

5 Months on T - Update and Voice Comparison

Due to a tremendous lack of communication between doctors and clinics, I have only just booked my third jab for the 19th of October, but at least it's finally happening!!

Tomorrow, I am five months on T and very happy with the changes so far.

Over the last month specifically I've noticed a sudden increase in body hair, mainly on my stomach. I'm also getting chest hair, not much but it's beginning to grow.

The thing I'm most happy about is that my 'monthly cycle' appears to have stopped for definite.

HALLELUJAH

I have lost some weight recently, going back to what I was before I started hormones. My trousers are beginning to slip from my hips, which I'm hoping is a sign that my body fat is starting to go to the right places.

I feel that, mentally, I am completely back to normal after the first initial surge of hormones. I'm not confused, angry or outrageously sexually frustrated anymore... although I do still get aroused very easily.

My voice has pretty much stayed the same, I think it's just starting to be more natural to me, so less voice cracks occur. Check out the comparison below:

I'm comfortable with using the men's bathroom and haven't been misgendered by a stranger in months. Couldn't be happier.

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