It has been 522 days since I last wrote a piece about my dysphoria:
https://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/where-i-feel-dysphoria.html
Usually, I'm pretty good at dealing with dysphoria, it can be pretty easy to ignore or cover up. However, in the last three weeks, it has become a prevalent issue.
Since I had my last consultation and discovering I should be having top surgery within the next six(ish) months, my hatred for my body has dramatically increased, so much so that I am almost writing this in tears.
Before, I had learned to be patient with my body, even learned to love parts of it, but now surgery is right around the corner it has made me focus so much more on it and has triggered some very unwelcome emotions.
Binding is no longer satisfactory. Living with 16 other people means that I never leave my room without wearing one, so they loosen fairly quickly and I feel like they're more supporting than flattening. If I jump, I can feel my chest move and it's deeply unsettling.
I am also fully aware that my dysphoria won't end after top surgery. My main issue with my body is my waist and hips, and once I no longer need to worry about my chest, all of my attention will be on them.
I'm fully aware that I don't have enormous 'love handles', but for some reason my mind is just constantly conscious of them. I can feel them, like an intrusive presence, almost as though someone is holding me there. It's strange but I can really feel them there, like tumours, and it is soul-destroying.
I know that getting fit will help and it has done in the past, however exercising in a binder is very restrictive and difficult. Hopefully, after surgery I will be able to reach my fitness goals and alleviate even more dysphoria.
My boyfriend is amazing. He respects my issues with my body and loves me regardless. I'm trying my best to not let my insecurities become a barrier between us. The fact that our bodies don't match is upsetting for me and when I have a really bad phase I just don't want him to touch me, which he is fine with. I have woken up in the middle of the night, almost paralysed because of how utterly revolting I feel in my skin, and removed his arm from around me because I just can't have anybody near me.
It's got to the point where I want to rip my flesh from my bones and I haven't felt like that since before starting hormone therapy.
My dysphoria around my 'lower regions' has worsened as well for some reason. There's something definitely missing and it's making me seriously reconsider the decision to not put myself through lower surgery.
This period of really terrible dysphoria feels like my body is constantly telling me something is wrong. I can physically feel a presence or lack thereof of body parts.
The reality is, if you see me wandering around campus, you'd have no idea I was feeling uncomfortable in my own body, but in my mind I'd probably be feeling my skin crawl.
I am not writing this for anything except spreading awareness of trans issues. I don't particularly want people knowing about my insecurities, however, I promised to bear all when I began this blog and I intend to continue to do so, in order to show what it's truly like to be trans. 522 days after last writing about how much I hated my body and it is still a daily struggle.
It does get easier. I am overall happier in life, more confident and a lot of the places I hated on my body in the previous blog post (link at the top) are no longer a bother, but there is no quick fix to owning the wrong body.
fab
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