Being a Small Being

The thing I get most teased about is my height... original, I know.

I'm 5'4", which is pretty short, and it used to be a constant source of embarrassment for me. That's until I released that I can't do anything about it and what is so important about height anyway? The only thing I can't do that taller people can is reach the top shelf... but that's why chairs were invented!! Plus the evolutionary explanation as to why people are attracted to taller individuals doesn't apply to me anyway because I'm not exactly capable of breeding, so yay!!

(Lies, I've grown 2mm in the last three years)

Advantages of being small:

1. People play with your hair
2. Your feet never stick out of the duvet and get cold
3. Get called cute a lot
4. More clothing options because you can fit into men's and boy's sizes
5. Good at hide and seek
6. When someone says you're small, they're really saying that the only thing wrong with you is that there's not enough of you.

I'm over getting upset about comments about my height, but when I hear short jokes 24/7 from people thinking they're being original, it's like...

The sooner you can come to terms with the things you can't change, the sooner you'll become happier in yourself.

fab

19 Years Old

Yesterday was my birthday *dances around in onesie*

Yesterday, I turned the big 1-9 and although it wasn't really that much of a big deal, I felt like nothing could get me down. I had plenty of birthday messages (thank you again), some great presents (I officially have a lot of clothes now, all colourful of course) and I went out to celebrate with friends.

(My mum went the a particular shop to find me something 'masculine' and returned with this)

The thing that I wanted to specifically talk about is how much of a difference a year makes.

This was me at my eighteenth birthday party.

I was surrounded by great friends and had a wonderful time but in reality, I was a very unhappy person and felt incredibly far away from where I wanted to get to. I hadn't been to a Gender Identity Clinic yet and the prospect of starting testosterone seemed so out of reach.

This was me at my nineteenth birthday celebration (right).

Still surrounded by great friends, but so much happier! I'm over three months on testosterone and feeling the great effects. I'm about a hundred times more confident in public and feel that I can be a friendly and open as I always was, but was too shy and self-conscious to be. I'm even considering applying for university this year now that I have the gusto to start such an adventure.

So yes, a year makes a whole load of difference. I'm hopeful that when my twentieth comes around I'll be in the stages of preparing for top surgery and every year following will be another huge leap in my transition.

fab

3 Months on T - Update

Just a quick update.

Today, I am three months of testosterone and I'm feeling great.

My confidence is higher than it has been for years. I'm gradually feeling more at home with myself and starting to sort of like parts of my body.

I love my leg hair, my pathetic facial fuzz and my voice. Gosh, I love my voice.

I haven't been misgendered for a couple of months now, both in public and on the phone.

I'm so much more chilled and relaxed now that my sex drive isn't taking over my life and had balanced out nicely.

(My voice comparison is in the previous post)

fab

Voice Comparison - 3 Months on T

I've had a lot of brilliant comments on my voice, I think people are really beginning to notice it!

fab

Dating as a Transman

Romantic relationships don't have to be complicated simply because you're trans. Personally, it's only the sexual aspect of relationships that have the potential to make things difficult, but it's not all about sex, so here's a piece on dating.

The process of becoming comfortable with someone in a romantic light can be both exciting and daunting for everyone, right? But, as a transman, the pressure to be seen as who you are and not your body is really really stressful and can be incredibly depressing at times when you feel as though the person can't fully see you for you or perhaps doesn't find you physically attractive. Appearances are obviously not everything, but nobody can help who they find and don't find physically attractive. Saying that, I don't think I could date someone who wasn't physically attracted to me, because it would be really awful for my confidence. I do believe, however, that physical attraction can grow as you fall more and more for someone, so perhaps I'll rely on that!

My last boyfriend was actually able to almost completely rid of my dysphoria simply by assuring me that he found me attractive in every way and he respected my decision and boundaries, for example, he was never to see my chest without a binder on.

As a transman, when I find out somebody finds me attractive, the self confidence boost it gives me is spectacular. Going from constantly feeling unattractive to knowing that someone sees you as an attractive man is like *girlish squeal*.

I also only really enjoy being in very equally relationships, where there isn't a partner who plays the (to be horribly stereotypical) male role or female role. I don't consider myself to be particularly masculine or feminine so either roles don't suit me, which is possibly why I've dated more men, because I find that balance in them more easily.

I never felt the need to be in a relationship, but was always open to perhaps finding somebody and giving it a go. When in a relationship you become responsible for a whole other person and if you're going through some bad times it can be difficult, but you always have your partner to lean on. Equally what I have discovered is that helping a partner with their issues is a really good distraction from your own troubles.

(And if all goes bust I still have my cat)

I have also done a piece about dating trans people to give the opposite side of things which I will post soonish.

fab

Mood Update - 11 weeks

I'm now just under three months/11 weeks/81 days on testosterone and it's been a really weird experience, but I'm finally starting to see more and more positive effects.

I put on 4 pounds when I started T and have very suddenly gone down to 8st13 again.

I've also put on a tiny bit of muscle, only noticeable on my arms (which are still not impressive but I'm working on it). When tensed, their circumferences are actually 2cms larger.

MY CONFIDENCE HAS GONE UP SO MUCH NOW THAT MY VOICE IS DEEPER. My anxiety in public is dimming down and instead of avoiding talking to strangers because my voice would give me away, I feel perfectly happy speaking to them. In fact, I avidly try to so that they know I'm male from my voice.

I never get misgendered down the phone now either, they call me 'Sir' and know that Francis is spelt with a 'I'. Makes a difference to saying my name was Frank and getting a response of 'Your taxi will be with you in twenty minute, Miss Frank'...

(Will do a new voice comparison in the next couple of weeks)

I've also go the confidence to stay over at parties and really enjoy myself instead of panicking all the time.

Oh, and I kinda, might of, perhaps, got a new boyfriend... which is a surprise to even myself after one of my last blog posts!!

So yes, my sexuality appears to have gone back to what it was before. I honestly, embarrassingly, think I was only interested in women and not men because my libido was so amazingly high and I didn't like how I have sex with men.

But not everything is about sex anymore, which is nice. Since my libido has dropped to a healthy level, I feel so much more chilled out and I feel like I'm moving onwards and upwards.

Anyway, this guy makes me happy and I'm excited to see where it goes. Plus he's SUPER CUTE. (I know he'll read this)

I'm gradually feeling more confident in my own skin, so much so that I'm dressing more how I want, which is awesome because I have great fashion sense... 

I even dyed my hair, which I've been wanting to do for ages but didn't because I didn't think I'd pass with it. So naturally I went for a most awful colour to dye my hair to make up for time lost.

(It's green)

One last thing, I've been having so many positive comments and messages passed along to me about this blog, which makes me feel like it's all worth it. Thank you for supporting me and reading my thought processes as they come.

fab