The Difference a Year Makes

It was a year ago today that I posted a blog piece called 'One and a Half Months on T, and Single'.

Link:

http://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/one-and-half-months-on-t-and-single.html

It came up on Facebook this morning and so I decided to have a look at it. To my surprise, what was a very serious and upsetting piece to write at the time, made me fall about laughing! Here's why:

"Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know." - This is hilarious as I have not been with a woman since, whereas I have been with multiple men, including two boyfriends.

"Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting." - This is somewhat still true, I still feel a bit dysphoric after sex sometimes, but I realised that lower surgery is in the very distant future and there's nothing I can do about that. The only person keeping me from enjoying sex is myself... sometimes.

"I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!!" - This is the really funny part, as anyone who knows me personally now knows that I'm hairy as hell and pretty much a self-proclaimed bottom.

"All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him." - It is insane how much difference a year makes. I'm still friends with this guy, but in all honesty, I barely remember feeling this way. It's a bit sad but I wouldn't revisit that part of my life.

So, that's it. In just one year, I've discovered myself and become a whole lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin... and a lot more gay.

fab

A Second Transition

The last month has been a weird one.

I celebrated 1 year on T on the 13th of May... kind of. That day was an enormous eye opener as to how miserable I was. I was still very unhappy with my body, recently had my heart broken, was drinking too much and very behind on my college work. My living situation also changed very dramatically as my grandmother was moved into a home, which has consequently given me my freedom back, but also means that I'll be without a home to come back to next year.

I decided that I was the only one who could turn my situation into a positive.

I've always relied on others to make me happy, I haven't been more than six months without a relationship since I was fifteen and became lonely very easily. I think it is trans-related as I've always needed reassurance that I'm good enough, which obviously got me into situations and relationships that were very unhealthy.

I decided that I needed to create my own happiness.

I started working out, spending more time with my friends and getting my coursework done.

Now, 38 days later, I'm in the happiest place I think I have ever been.

I'm going to the gym almost daily, I feel more of a part of my friendship group as my confidence has grown, and I've caught up with my coursework and will definitely have the grades I need to get into university.

I have also got over my last relationship. I'm actually enjoying being single and have no desire to commit to anyone new. I plan to move to university in October and start my new life on my own, which I'm so excited for.

I've also met another transman who I've become very close to. I've always wanted a good relationship with another transguy, but never found one I had a whole lot in common with. This guy is basically me so we never really run out of things to talk about!

I feel as though it's almost been a second transition. I figured out who I am, now I need to become the best me I can possibly be.

fab