The Difference a Year Makes

It was a year ago today that I posted a blog piece called 'One and a Half Months on T, and Single'.

Link:

http://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/one-and-half-months-on-t-and-single.html

It came up on Facebook this morning and so I decided to have a look at it. To my surprise, what was a very serious and upsetting piece to write at the time, made me fall about laughing! Here's why:

"Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know." - This is hilarious as I have not been with a woman since, whereas I have been with multiple men, including two boyfriends.

"Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting." - This is somewhat still true, I still feel a bit dysphoric after sex sometimes, but I realised that lower surgery is in the very distant future and there's nothing I can do about that. The only person keeping me from enjoying sex is myself... sometimes.

"I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!!" - This is the really funny part, as anyone who knows me personally now knows that I'm hairy as hell and pretty much a self-proclaimed bottom.

"All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him." - It is insane how much difference a year makes. I'm still friends with this guy, but in all honesty, I barely remember feeling this way. It's a bit sad but I wouldn't revisit that part of my life.

So, that's it. In just one year, I've discovered myself and become a whole lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin... and a lot more gay.

fab