8 Months on T - Update and Voice Comparison

EIGHT MONTHS WHAT

Let's get started.

My snail trail has spread out so my stomach is quite furry, I'm also getting hairs on my chest. My facial hair is still pathetic but if I don't shave I get some pretty awesome - if barely visible - mutton chops.

My acne has got considerably worse. It's not that bad, but it's just annoying and I'd rather not have it so I have prescribed gel.

My body shape continues to gradually change. I'm having to wear belts and braces (mainly braces) with most of my trousers after they fell down along the high street one time...

My voice is pretty much the same, although I rarely have voice cracks anymore, so I think it's pretty much settled. Take a look:

Everybody says that testosterone doesn't change who you are. I agree with this because essentially I am still the exact same person I was in May, but there is one vital difference. I'm happy.

I don't cry about my body anymore.

I don't dehydrate myself so I can avoid using public bathrooms.

I don't hide in the cubicle until the bathroom is empty so I can sneak out.

I don't have crippling anxiety anymore.

I don't avoid talking to strangers because of my voice.

I don't feel the need to be in a relationship.

I don't feel trapped.

My outlook on life is much brighter and I'm able to be myself around others, with out holding back in fear of being misgendered.

So, yes, I have changed somewhat, but not in the way most would think. I'm still very much in touch with my feminine side and enjoy the same things I did pre-T.

Basically, I'm happier, more confident, more blunt, more relaxed, more driven and more sociable.

I may not be a role model for the trans community, I don't travel to meet other trans people, or have a six-pack (and never will, I'm far too lazy), or do talks etc, but I do hope that I have enlightened some people and perhaps even changed their opinions on transitioning for the better.

Please continue to encourage trans people to get this far. I never knew how happy a jab in the butt every three months could make me. *face palms*

fab

Self Acceptance

After over two years of being 'Frank', I can finally, whole-heartedly say that I accept myself.

For a very long time, I felt a lot of anger and frustration that I wasn't 'normal' and that my life had to be so much harder simply because I was transgender.

I felt useless, helpless and incredibly unattractive.

I still feel this way the large majority of the time, but if I have learned anything from the LGBTQ community, it's to own who you are.

For example, the word queer used to be a derogatory term for anybody under the LGBTQ umbrella, until the community took the word and said 'Yes, I am queer, and there's nothing wrong with that!'

Once you embrace who you are, you can start to build a happy life with healthy relationships.

I am transsexual and I am going to own it.

I'm the person people come to when they have loved ones who are struggling with their gender identity.

I'm the person people come to when they have questions.

I'm the person that can potentially help a trans brother or sister get through the difficult stages I've already been through.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Same goes for any other transman or transwoman.

You may be in an unusual situation or been through a difficult event yourself. Pick yourself up, do what you have to do to be happy, learn from that experience and encourage others who have been through the same, and perhaps feel very alone, to keep going and live a fulfilled life.

Inspire happiness.

This doesn't mean that I'm in any way comfortable with my body, I still have a very long way to go before I will feel that way, but that won't stop me from being who I am now.

This also doesn't mean that I want everybody to know that I'm trans. More than anything I want to be viewed as a biological guy and I'm fortunate enough to have reached a stage where strangers don't even question my gender anymore. Being trans isn't even a particularly large part of my life anymore, because I'm surrounded by people who don't treat me differently. However, in my community, I will reveal absolutely everything and anything to help a brother/sister and, likewise, I know they've got my back.

A community always comes down to the individuals. If we learn to own ourselves, we will individually become much happier. This would result in a much happier society. The difficulty arises when we must realise that it is okay to be ourselves but it is also okay for our neighbour to be very different. My stance on this matter has always been 'if they're not hurting anybody, then I have no problem with them'.

Perhaps if more people thought the same way, there would be more love in the world.

fab

Farewell, 2016... and thanks

In times like these, when everything is a bit miserable, it is important to realise just how far you have come.

I am not a winter person. Rex (my best mate) and I refer to it as 'f*** up season' because something always goes terribly wrong and usually it's because we get so bored, we end up subconsciously encouraging it to do so just so we can experience some sort of excitement (yes, we are that stupid).

The last few weeks have been pretty tedious and lacking excitement. The only thing to do is college then go to the pub as often as possible so you don't end up just going home and feeling lonely.

Furthermore, as we come to the end of 2016, we look back on all the really bloody awful things humanity has brought upon itself this year.

However, I'll let you know what's being keeping me going. This:

(Oct, 2014, when I came out - Dec, 2016, seven months on T)

Perhaps you may not see much of a difference, but I can't even explain how vastly my life has changed in the past year.

I began the year in the lowest place I have ever been, unable to leave the house on certain days.

Then, somebody taught me that I am loveable, wherever I am in my transition.

Then, a brain tumour-scare was cleared.

Then, I started testosterone.

Then, my voice broke.

Then, I started to pass 100%.

Then, I discovered what I want to dedicate my life to. I've been given a purpose.

Then, I took Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and met some wonderful people. My anxiety has gone from a 10 to a 01 on the scale.

Then, I began to overcome my fear of doing certain things and going certain places.

Now, I have freedom.

Globally, 2016 was a horrific year, but in my incredibly little world (I'm 5'4"), it has been the making of me.

Thank you to my friends and family, this year has made up for all of those years of confusion and self-doubt.

And thank you to my boys for becoming my brothers.

fab

7 Months on T

The last months has been perhaps the best so far. I've been going out a lot which is amazing to be able to do as I was never confident enough to do so before.
I'm not dating anybody so have time to focus on myself. I actually exercise daily now, so that's... unlike me. I feel much better for it though.
I'm completing therapy for my physical anxiety and I feel as though I've made a major break through.
Onwards and upwards.

fab

6 Months on T - Update

Half a year on hormones?! That's insane!

It's hard to explain how much has changed in such a short amount of time. The best way to explain it is that I feel completely rejuvenated.

I am still the exact same person I was pre-T, but now I am so much more in touch with myself and a great deal more head-strong. This newfound confidence gave me the boost I needed to discover what I want from life.

I finally feel like I have a purpose and that's awesome.

Have the updated voice comparison with an extra cheesy bit because I love you:

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Sexuality

It's not difficult to realise that gender and sexuality are entirely different things.

Gender is who you are and what you identify as.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

Just like gender, sexuality is on a scale.

Obviously, there are straight people, who are only attracted to the opposite sex.

Then, there are gay people, who are only attracted to the same sex.

Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women.

Pansexuals are attracted to any gender. This does not mean that pansexuals are attracted to everybody. Just like how straight people find certain people attractive, pansexuals do too, however their attraction is not limited by gender.

Asexuals have no sexual attraction to anybody.

What I've learned over the last few years is that it's okay to be any one of these (there are many, many more on the scale).

There are so many sexualities, it's sad to think that people feel like they have to find their label.

I have identified as L,G,B, T and Q within the past decade.

At fifteen, I discovered that I liked both men and women (bisexual). For a few months, I was convinced that I was only interested in women (lesbian). Then, I came to terms with my gender issues and began experimenting with gender fluidity (queer). Obviously, I discovered that I didn't identify with being female (transgender). I was in a relationship with another man for a few months (gay). When I started hormone replacement treatment, I was convinced that I was solely attracted to women again (straight). As my hormones settled down, I realised that I was still attracted to men and, in fact, all genders (pansexual).

So... let's say I've had fun!

What am I now? I simply don't know.

I always picture myself ending up with a woman, but in reality, I never meet women I'm attracted to. I've taken a step back recently to re-evaluate as to whether I'm even attracted to women at all, and I always come up with the same conclusion... I have absolutely no idea! For now, I'm alright with that.

Why should it matter? Being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual, or transgender, or queer, doesn't make me a better or worse person, and unless I'm getting off with them, it certainly shouldn't matter to anybody else!

I'm not saying that sexuality isn't important, and people should feel proud and liberated by their sexuality, but if we are to teach the next generation that there is nothing wrong with being in the LGBTQ community, then we need to teach them that the LGBTQ community are no different from the straight community. Because we're not. We're all human.

At the end of the day, if I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with them, no matter who they are or what they have.

And that's okay.

fab

Public Toilets

Using public toilets are usually not the highlight of anybody's day, but as a trans person, it can be a really scary experience.

I first started using male toilets at work shortly after I came out. They were separated single restrooms so even if I didn't look male to somebody they couldn't really get upset.

I gradually began using male loos elsewhere when I finished my year of studying in South London, where I stopped attending because I was worried for my safety after being heckled multiple times in the hallway. Leaving that place and beginning again in a new, more local college gave me a fresh start as I could live full-time as myself instead of hiding in the closet for protection.

Now, in my new college, I could use the male toilets, however I would only use the ones on the second and third floors that were never busy during lesson time. I was quite often late back because if somebody came into the bathroom I'd stay and hide in the cubicle until I could make my escape.

Early this year, I went to a local pub with friends and was aggressively asked twice what I thought I was doing in the male bathrooms. This completely shattered my confidence and led to a dramatic increase of anxiety in public.

For a friend's birthday, I went to London with a group and we ended up at an incredibly busy bar. I braved the toilets once and it was terrifying. I was surrounded by much taller, older, masculine men. My heart has never palpitated like that before or since. I spent the rest of the night not drinking in fear of having to use the bathroom again. I actually became quite ill the next day from having dehydrated myself. 

I spent a long time avoiding going any place with bathrooms rather than separate cubicles, which, luckily, our local brewery shop has!

Why didn't I just use the women's toilets? Because I am not a woman, it's that simple. My name is Frank, everybody knows me as male and ultimately if I were to get kicked out of a male toilet, I could prove with my ID that I am Francis Alastair.

That's the reality of using public toilets as a trans man.

Thankfully there are no actual laws prohibiting anybody using any toilet. However, some of my American brothers are not so fortunate.

In some states, trans/genderqueer people have to legally use the bathroom that matches their birth sex, not matter how far along in social or medical transition they are. One brother I spoke to doesn't use public toilets at all, as he would either get shouted at in the women's or possibly fined for using the men's.

It's one thing to be transgender, but it's another thing to be transgender and scared.

My confidence in using the right bathroom has grown and grown as I've been on hormones, especially since my voice dropped, but last night was a revelation.

I went to the Royal Albert Hall with my mum and my best friend to see Jurassic Park with the London Philharmonic Orchestra playing the music (I know right!). At the interval, I went to use the bathroom, queued for five minutes, even spoke to a few blokes in there and, with no anxiety or problems what so ever, peed, washed my hands and left.

It was only afterwards that I realised how much of a big deal it was to me. I've been using male toilets everywhere for over a year now, but now I've finally reached a stage where such a stupidly simple, everyday thing, like going to the toilet, doesn't have to be such a big issue in my life.

If you're worried about sharing a restroom with a trans person, just remember they're a lot more scared of you than you are of them.

They just want to pee.

fab