2017 so far

Twenty fivedays in and 2017 is looking pretty good.

This time last year I was in a very dark and scary place, somewhere I never want to go back to. Now, I'm eight months on hormones and progressing happily in my transition.

On the 12th, I had my second Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic appointment. The NHS are now taking over my hormone prescriptions which is amazing as it'll cost £8 per shot rather than £120.

They have also given me an appointment for my first assessment for top surgery on the 30th of August. After that, I will get a second assessment around this time next year and then all I have to do is choose a surgeon and they will refer me, so 2018 will be the year of my top surgery!!

I have had so much overwhelming support from so many people, I know they will make the wait easier, especially this one:

On a down note, I've been suffering from really bad cramps, like period pains only sharper. I've been told it's normal, after all my reproductive system is fighting against a whole load of testosterone. It is likely that I will require a hysterectomy in the next few years anyway, but I'm glad the doctor didn't even mention that as I don't feel ready to go through that sort of procedure yet.

One very strange turn of events is that my trousers falling down has sort of become a part of my life. It's happened in public - and I mean like high street public - three times this month and I've finally stopped convincing myself that I don't need new trousers (there's a hole in the butt of my jeans, so that's the final straw). I take it as a good thing though, my waist has dropped a size and my arse is getting smaller so thank you hormones!! I've gone from 9st6lbs to 8st12lbs in the last six months.

I've started seeing a guy who I feel very comfortable with, which is different for me. It's proving to me that, although I have a long way to go, I can feel comfortable in my skin.

I've been getting really great feedback about this blog, which is a massive confidence boost. If you're interested in a certain topic or have any questions don't hesitate to ask me and I'll make a post on it if I already haven't.

Hope everybody's year has got off to an equally good start (ignoring the inauguration)!!

fab

8 Months on T - Update and Voice Comparison

EIGHT MONTHS WHAT

Let's get started.

My snail trail has spread out so my stomach is quite furry, I'm also getting hairs on my chest. My facial hair is still pathetic but if I don't shave I get some pretty awesome - if barely visible - mutton chops.

My acne has got considerably worse. It's not that bad, but it's just annoying and I'd rather not have it so I have prescribed gel.

My body shape continues to gradually change. I'm having to wear belts and braces (mainly braces) with most of my trousers after they fell down along the high street one time...

My voice is pretty much the same, although I rarely have voice cracks anymore, so I think it's pretty much settled. Take a look:

Everybody says that testosterone doesn't change who you are. I agree with this because essentially I am still the exact same person I was in May, but there is one vital difference. I'm happy.

I don't cry about my body anymore.

I don't dehydrate myself so I can avoid using public bathrooms.

I don't hide in the cubicle until the bathroom is empty so I can sneak out.

I don't have crippling anxiety anymore.

I don't avoid talking to strangers because of my voice.

I don't feel the need to be in a relationship.

I don't feel trapped.

My outlook on life is much brighter and I'm able to be myself around others, with out holding back in fear of being misgendered.

So, yes, I have changed somewhat, but not in the way most would think. I'm still very much in touch with my feminine side and enjoy the same things I did pre-T.

Basically, I'm happier, more confident, more blunt, more relaxed, more driven and more sociable.

I may not be a role model for the trans community, I don't travel to meet other trans people, or have a six-pack (and never will, I'm far too lazy), or do talks etc, but I do hope that I have enlightened some people and perhaps even changed their opinions on transitioning for the better.

Please continue to encourage trans people to get this far. I never knew how happy a jab in the butt every three months could make me. *face palms*

fab

Self Acceptance

After over two years of being 'Frank', I can finally, whole-heartedly say that I accept myself.

For a very long time, I felt a lot of anger and frustration that I wasn't 'normal' and that my life had to be so much harder simply because I was transgender.

I felt useless, helpless and incredibly unattractive.

I still feel this way the large majority of the time, but if I have learned anything from the LGBTQ community, it's to own who you are.

For example, the word queer used to be a derogatory term for anybody under the LGBTQ umbrella, until the community took the word and said 'Yes, I am queer, and there's nothing wrong with that!'

Once you embrace who you are, you can start to build a happy life with healthy relationships.

I am transsexual and I am going to own it.

I'm the person people come to when they have loved ones who are struggling with their gender identity.

I'm the person people come to when they have questions.

I'm the person that can potentially help a trans brother or sister get through the difficult stages I've already been through.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Same goes for any other transman or transwoman.

You may be in an unusual situation or been through a difficult event yourself. Pick yourself up, do what you have to do to be happy, learn from that experience and encourage others who have been through the same, and perhaps feel very alone, to keep going and live a fulfilled life.

Inspire happiness.

This doesn't mean that I'm in any way comfortable with my body, I still have a very long way to go before I will feel that way, but that won't stop me from being who I am now.

This also doesn't mean that I want everybody to know that I'm trans. More than anything I want to be viewed as a biological guy and I'm fortunate enough to have reached a stage where strangers don't even question my gender anymore. Being trans isn't even a particularly large part of my life anymore, because I'm surrounded by people who don't treat me differently. However, in my community, I will reveal absolutely everything and anything to help a brother/sister and, likewise, I know they've got my back.

A community always comes down to the individuals. If we learn to own ourselves, we will individually become much happier. This would result in a much happier society. The difficulty arises when we must realise that it is okay to be ourselves but it is also okay for our neighbour to be very different. My stance on this matter has always been 'if they're not hurting anybody, then I have no problem with them'.

Perhaps if more people thought the same way, there would be more love in the world.

fab

Farewell, 2016... and thanks

In times like these, when everything is a bit miserable, it is important to realise just how far you have come.

I am not a winter person. Rex (my best mate) and I refer to it as 'f*** up season' because something always goes terribly wrong and usually it's because we get so bored, we end up subconsciously encouraging it to do so just so we can experience some sort of excitement (yes, we are that stupid).

The last few weeks have been pretty tedious and lacking excitement. The only thing to do is college then go to the pub as often as possible so you don't end up just going home and feeling lonely.

Furthermore, as we come to the end of 2016, we look back on all the really bloody awful things humanity has brought upon itself this year.

However, I'll let you know what's being keeping me going. This:

(Oct, 2014, when I came out - Dec, 2016, seven months on T)

Perhaps you may not see much of a difference, but I can't even explain how vastly my life has changed in the past year.

I began the year in the lowest place I have ever been, unable to leave the house on certain days.

Then, somebody taught me that I am loveable, wherever I am in my transition.

Then, a brain tumour-scare was cleared.

Then, I started testosterone.

Then, my voice broke.

Then, I started to pass 100%.

Then, I discovered what I want to dedicate my life to. I've been given a purpose.

Then, I took Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and met some wonderful people. My anxiety has gone from a 10 to a 01 on the scale.

Then, I began to overcome my fear of doing certain things and going certain places.

Now, I have freedom.

Globally, 2016 was a horrific year, but in my incredibly little world (I'm 5'4"), it has been the making of me.

Thank you to my friends and family, this year has made up for all of those years of confusion and self-doubt.

And thank you to my boys for becoming my brothers.

fab

7 Months on T

The last months has been perhaps the best so far. I've been going out a lot which is amazing to be able to do as I was never confident enough to do so before.
I'm not dating anybody so have time to focus on myself. I actually exercise daily now, so that's... unlike me. I feel much better for it though.
I'm completing therapy for my physical anxiety and I feel as though I've made a major break through.
Onwards and upwards.

fab

6 Months on T - Update

Half a year on hormones?! That's insane!

It's hard to explain how much has changed in such a short amount of time. The best way to explain it is that I feel completely rejuvenated.

I am still the exact same person I was pre-T, but now I am so much more in touch with myself and a great deal more head-strong. This newfound confidence gave me the boost I needed to discover what I want from life.

I finally feel like I have a purpose and that's awesome.

Have the updated voice comparison with an extra cheesy bit because I love you:

fab

Sexuality

It's not difficult to realise that gender and sexuality are entirely different things.

Gender is who you are and what you identify as.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

Just like gender, sexuality is on a scale.

Obviously, there are straight people, who are only attracted to the opposite sex.

Then, there are gay people, who are only attracted to the same sex.

Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women.

Pansexuals are attracted to any gender. This does not mean that pansexuals are attracted to everybody. Just like how straight people find certain people attractive, pansexuals do too, however their attraction is not limited by gender.

Asexuals have no sexual attraction to anybody.

What I've learned over the last few years is that it's okay to be any one of these (there are many, many more on the scale).

There are so many sexualities, it's sad to think that people feel like they have to find their label.

I have identified as L,G,B, T and Q within the past decade.

At fifteen, I discovered that I liked both men and women (bisexual). For a few months, I was convinced that I was only interested in women (lesbian). Then, I came to terms with my gender issues and began experimenting with gender fluidity (queer). Obviously, I discovered that I didn't identify with being female (transgender). I was in a relationship with another man for a few months (gay). When I started hormone replacement treatment, I was convinced that I was solely attracted to women again (straight). As my hormones settled down, I realised that I was still attracted to men and, in fact, all genders (pansexual).

So... let's say I've had fun!

What am I now? I simply don't know.

I always picture myself ending up with a woman, but in reality, I never meet women I'm attracted to. I've taken a step back recently to re-evaluate as to whether I'm even attracted to women at all, and I always come up with the same conclusion... I have absolutely no idea! For now, I'm alright with that.

Why should it matter? Being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual, or transgender, or queer, doesn't make me a better or worse person, and unless I'm getting off with them, it certainly shouldn't matter to anybody else!

I'm not saying that sexuality isn't important, and people should feel proud and liberated by their sexuality, but if we are to teach the next generation that there is nothing wrong with being in the LGBTQ community, then we need to teach them that the LGBTQ community are no different from the straight community. Because we're not. We're all human.

At the end of the day, if I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with them, no matter who they are or what they have.

And that's okay.

fab