The Difference a Year Makes

It was a year ago today that I posted a blog piece called 'One and a Half Months on T, and Single'.

Link:

http://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/one-and-half-months-on-t-and-single.html

It came up on Facebook this morning and so I decided to have a look at it. To my surprise, what was a very serious and upsetting piece to write at the time, made me fall about laughing! Here's why:

"Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know." - This is hilarious as I have not been with a woman since, whereas I have been with multiple men, including two boyfriends.

"Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting." - This is somewhat still true, I still feel a bit dysphoric after sex sometimes, but I realised that lower surgery is in the very distant future and there's nothing I can do about that. The only person keeping me from enjoying sex is myself... sometimes.

"I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!!" - This is the really funny part, as anyone who knows me personally now knows that I'm hairy as hell and pretty much a self-proclaimed bottom.

"All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him." - It is insane how much difference a year makes. I'm still friends with this guy, but in all honesty, I barely remember feeling this way. It's a bit sad but I wouldn't revisit that part of my life.

So, that's it. In just one year, I've discovered myself and become a whole lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin... and a lot more gay.

fab

A Second Transition

The last month has been a weird one.

I celebrated 1 year on T on the 13th of May... kind of. That day was an enormous eye opener as to how miserable I was. I was still very unhappy with my body, recently had my heart broken, was drinking too much and very behind on my college work. My living situation also changed very dramatically as my grandmother was moved into a home, which has consequently given me my freedom back, but also means that I'll be without a home to come back to next year.

I decided that I was the only one who could turn my situation into a positive.

I've always relied on others to make me happy, I haven't been more than six months without a relationship since I was fifteen and became lonely very easily. I think it is trans-related as I've always needed reassurance that I'm good enough, which obviously got me into situations and relationships that were very unhealthy.

I decided that I needed to create my own happiness.

I started working out, spending more time with my friends and getting my coursework done.

Now, 38 days later, I'm in the happiest place I think I have ever been.

I'm going to the gym almost daily, I feel more of a part of my friendship group as my confidence has grown, and I've caught up with my coursework and will definitely have the grades I need to get into university.

I have also got over my last relationship. I'm actually enjoying being single and have no desire to commit to anyone new. I plan to move to university in October and start my new life on my own, which I'm so excited for.

I've also met another transman who I've become very close to. I've always wanted a good relationship with another transguy, but never found one I had a whole lot in common with. This guy is basically me so we never really run out of things to talk about!

I feel as though it's almost been a second transition. I figured out who I am, now I need to become the best me I can possibly be.

fab

12 Months on T - Voice Comparison

This will be my last monthly voice comparison.
From now on, I plan to do them every six months.

fab

12 Months on T - Dear Pre-T Me

Dear pre-t me,

It’s yourself, but with a deeper voice and a lot more body hair.

I am twelve months on testosterone. That’s right. You make it.

Although I had a lot of support and guidance, I wish I had more of a clue of what I was in for. So, here’s the information I never received.

You’ll have to wait longer than you’d hoped to start hormones, but it does happen. On Friday the Thirteenth of May.

You’ll get your T letter just before Christmas 2015 and you’ll go to your GP’s bursting with excitement, only to have your heart crushed. You’ll get the news that you must have a CAT scan due to a hormone imbalance, and there’s a six-month waiting time. You’re going to go home, crawl into bed and cry. You’ll feel defeated and hopeless.

The months will drag, but you’ll still be able to have fun thanks to your friends.

You’ll cry a lot. Almost every night and every time you have shower or when you shop for trousers.

You’ll get frustrated with your body and want to rip your flesh from your bones.

You might even do something stupid.

Then you’ll realise that you never want to go back to that place. That you need to make your own happiness.

You’ll fall in love and he’ll prove to you that you’re lovable and being trans does not have to affect a relationship.

You’ll start to feel happier and spend more time with friends.

Then, you’ll be assaulted. In a bathroom at a local pub.

You won’t tell anybody.

Your anxiety will start to take over your life. Public bathrooms will become the enemy. You’ll dehydrate yourself until you feel ill just to avoid them.

Finally, you’ll have your CAT scan and, one week later, they’ll tell you there’s nothing wrong.

You’ll go to your doctor again and be told that they need a letter from an NHS clinic to be able to administer your T shots.

You’ll go home feeling exactly how you felt six months previously.

Then you’ll talk to Mum and decide to start T privately. She’ll say ‘We just need to get you started, you’ve waited so long’. You’ll call the clinic and they’ll tell you that you can start next Friday. You’ll cry with joy.

You’ll go the appointment and have your first shot. It will hurt. A lot. You’ll worry that he did it wrong, but find out it’s natural. You’ll be annoyed that nobody had warned you how much it hurts.

The first couple of months on T are hard. Exciting. But hard. The first week you will enter a strange sort of depression because you’ve been so hyped for the injection, but you suddenly realise that the effects aren’t instant, and don’t know when you’ll start to see any changes.

Your libido will take over your life. Every day will revolve around your sex drive, it will be all you think about.

Your sexuality will change daily. You’ll break up with the boyfriend that got you through so much, because of it.

Your head will be a mess of libido and confusion. You’ll be unable to concentrate.

You’ll also discover a new emotion: anger. You’ll punch something once and realise how stupid it was so you’ll start exercising as a way of getting rid of the feeling.

Your voice will start cracking after three weeks and you’ll notice some extra body hair.

Over the next few months, your confidence will grow.

You’ll start to date again.

Your chest will bind more easily.

You’ll grow an insane snail trail.

You’ll have to start shaving your face.

Your voice will get lower than some of your cis-male friend’s.

You’ll get acne, but that’ll die down eventually.

Your shoulders will widen.

Your hips will narrow.

Your bum definitely gets smaller.

Your libido will chill out eventually.

You’ll no longer be able to cry.

You’ll stop being misgendered.

You’ll take a CBT course and learn how to control your anxiety.

You’ll start to use public bathrooms with no worries.

You’ll tell people about the assault.

Your anxiety will dramatically decrease.

You’ll start to wear clothes that you like and dye your hair (skip the whole green dye phase).

You’ll figure out what you want to do with your life.

You’ll find your purpose and meaning.

You’ll get your first consultation date for top surgery. You’ll go to your local and your friends will surprise you with prosecco and a toast.

At eleven months on T, you’ll go trouser shopping and you won’t cry. You’ll find some well-fitting suit trousers and you’ll realise just how far you’ve come.

You’ll barely even think about being trans, because you’re completely accepted as male by everyone you come across.

You’ll still meet and get to know new and amazing people.

You’ll still fall madly in love.

You’ll still make mistakes.

You’ll still get your heart broken.

You’ll still be able to pick yourself back up.

You’ll still find life just a little too much sometimes.

But it’ll continue to get easier.

Dear pre-t me,

Thank you for getting me this far. I can take it from here.

fab

11 Months on T - Voice Comparison

Almost a whole year!
Have the last comparison:

(Check out the sideburns, though)

I haven't posted very much in the last few months and that's because there's not really very much to talk about anymore! Being trans is no longer a massive part of my life as I'm never misgendered nor treated differently.

It's awesome.

fab

10 Months on T - Voice Comparison

Once again, all that has changed is I've got even hairier.
I had my first night out in London for a very long time. A few friends and I went to a Ska night and it really proved to me that I have come so so far. My main worry was always using men's toilets, especially in unfamiliar places, such as the bar we were in... I didn't even have an anxiety about using them and had no problems with anything that night.
I am finally free to live a normal life as my authentic self and it's awesome.
Have a voice comparison update:

fab

9 Months on T - Update

Not much has changed in the last month, except more hair on my stomach and chest.

I just had my fourth testosterone injection, so I should be able see more noticeable changes in the next month or so.

My confidence continues to grow. I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to start doing stuff like dye my hair and wearing the clothes I like after years of just miserably trying to pass and hide in the background. I can finally be my authentic self and people see me for who I really am.

I now feel confident enough to look for another job. I haven't worked since last May due to anxiety and other responsibilities, but I finally feel ready and motivated.
I recently contacted the BBC about a series they're making about trans people in the early stages of transitioning. They said they like my blog *blush* but I'm too far in my transition to be particularly helpful to them. I can't even express how happy that made me. Apparently I'm no longer in the early stages of transitioning, and that feels awesome!!
On a bit of a bum note, my first consultation for top surgery has been pushed back to November instead of August. Obviously this is heart-breaking but I've come way too far to let a few months get me down. I'm still smiling!!

Have a voice comparison update, it's noticeably changed again:

fab