Top Surgery Consultation and Recent Revelations

I've been receiving some wonderful messages recently, so I would like to start my thanking all of you. Whether it's in person or over social media, I truly appreciate you and your support.

As you know, I just had my top surgery consultation. It went extremely well.

Due to recent struggles with anxiety, my mum drove to avoid a two hour train journey. We arrived three hours early in order to beat the South London traffic and had fun wandering around the empty corridors at 6am.

I will be getting it done with Ms Catherine Milroy at St. George's Hospital in Tooting. She was very welcoming and was the perfect mixture of friendly and 'no nonsense'.

She showed me before and after photos of previous patients which were very impressive. Then, she examined me for what felt like 0.3 seconds, taking measurement of my chest and testing the elasticity of my skin. She warned me that because of how pale I am, my scars will be very red for at least two years and will probably stretch. I'm not bothered about that as I love scars and I'll be proud of all of mine. To be honest, I'd take a gaping hole in my chest over breasts, so some obvious scars don't phase me in the slightest.

My mum made sure to ask what ward I would be on and Milroy's response was a very swift "Male. He's a male, he'll be on the male ward".

After discussing the logistics of the surgery, we left feeling relieved and excited.

I went to the photography department to have some pre-surgery nudes done and that was that!

I will be having top surgery in around 5-6 months time and I cannot wait. In the meantime, I'll be impatiently waiting for them to call with a date.

I have always vowed to write honestly about the difficulties of being trans in this blog, and I fully intend on continuing to do so.

The struggles with anxiety I mentioned are down to a really rough patch I have been going through. For the past few weeks, leaving my flat has been incredibly difficult because I will immediately feel nauseous or faint. It has been a real challenge continuing normal life, getting triaged by the uni and attending multiple doctors appointments, but, after years of not knowing why I am like this, I was finally diagnosed with a mood disorder, specifically depression. This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I consider myself to be a naturally happy person, but obviously it's not all about how miserable you are. Lack of motivation, oversleeping, extreme physical anxiety that results in agoraphobia are all aspects of my life that I really struggle with, but now I know it's actually something diagnosable and I'm not just a bit rubbish at life, I feel so much more positive about the future.

But what has this got to do with being trans? My anxieties began three years ago when I was assaulted in a public bathroom because of my identity. It has been a roller-coaster since. I also believe that my negative relationship with my body plays a large role.

I have overcome hard times before and I will do it again, even if I need a little help from some medication and those around me.

Other than this, life is brilliant. I'm in love with my university and my course, there is nothing else I would rather be doing with my life. I have a great social life (when I am able to actually participate) and a devoted boyfriend.

None of this has stopped me from being myself... I'm just doing it from the comfort of my room until I'm back on my feet.

I'd like to say a special thank you to my mum, who really has been my rock.

Also thank you to my boyfriend, Laike, for not letting any of this affect our wonderful relationship.

Love to you all xox

fab

Dysphoria, 522 days later...

It has been 522 days since I last wrote a piece about my dysphoria:

https://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/where-i-feel-dysphoria.html

Usually, I'm pretty good at dealing with dysphoria, it can be pretty easy to ignore or cover up. However, in the last three weeks, it has become a prevalent issue.

Since I had my last consultation and discovering I should be having top surgery within the next six(ish) months, my hatred for my body has dramatically increased, so much so that I am almost writing this in tears.

Before, I had learned to be patient with my body, even learned to love parts of it, but now surgery is right around the corner it has made me focus so much more on it and has triggered some very unwelcome emotions.

Binding is no longer satisfactory. Living with 16 other people means that I never leave my room without wearing one, so they loosen fairly quickly and I feel like they're more supporting than flattening. If I jump, I can feel my chest move and it's deeply unsettling.

I am also fully aware that my dysphoria won't end after top surgery. My main issue with my body is my waist and hips, and once I no longer need to worry about my chest, all of my attention will be on them.

I'm fully aware that I don't have enormous 'love handles', but for some reason my mind is just constantly conscious of them. I can feel them, like an intrusive presence, almost as though someone is holding me there. It's strange but I can really feel them there, like tumours, and it is soul-destroying.

I know that getting fit will help and it has done in the past, however exercising in a binder is very restrictive and difficult. Hopefully, after surgery I will be able to reach my fitness goals and alleviate even more dysphoria.

My boyfriend is amazing. He respects my issues with my body and loves me regardless. I'm trying my best to not let my insecurities become a barrier between us. The fact that our bodies don't match is upsetting for me and when I have a really bad phase I just don't want him to touch me, which he is fine with. I have woken up in the middle of the night, almost paralysed because of how utterly revolting I feel in my skin, and removed his arm from around me because I just can't have anybody near me.

It's got to the point where I want to rip my flesh from my bones and I haven't felt like that since before starting hormone therapy.

My dysphoria around my 'lower regions' has worsened as well for some reason. There's something definitely missing and it's making me seriously reconsider the decision to not put myself through lower surgery.

This period of really terrible dysphoria feels like my body is constantly telling me something is wrong. I can physically feel a presence or lack thereof of body parts.

The reality is, if you see me wandering around campus, you'd have no idea I was feeling uncomfortable in my own body, but in my mind I'd probably be feeling my skin crawl.

I am not writing this for anything except spreading awareness of trans issues. I don't particularly want people knowing about my insecurities, however, I promised to bear all when I began this blog and I intend to continue to do so, in order to show what it's truly like to be trans. 522 days after last writing about how much I hated my body and it is still a daily struggle.

It does get easier. I am overall happier in life, more confident and a lot of the places I hated on my body in the previous blog post (link at the top) are no longer a bother, but there is no quick fix to owning the wrong body.

fab

Trans and Tattooed

It has been over two years since I got my first tattoo. I can remember sitting nervously in the waiting area, overwhelmed by the stench of antibacterial gel, and staring at my upper left forearm, thinking of how it will never look the same again. For a lot of people, the permanence of tattoos is enough to put them off the idea, but for me, it is exactly why I am totally addicted to adding to my collection.

Transitioning is a very slow and desperate process. Waiting times for hormone replacement treatment and surgeries are long - literally years long - so, many trans people look to other ways to speed up their transition into a body they can love. That's what a transition is, it's physical, not mental. The point I feel like I spend my entire life putting across to people is that being transgender is not a mental condition, but a physical one, that's why we change our bodies, not our minds.

(Perhaps if gender identity clinics weren't classed as mental health clinics within the NHS, waiting times would be a whole lot shorter... alternatively, mental health services could actually be designated appropriate funding. But that's a WHOLE other topic for another day!)

To speed up their transition, some people seek alternative ways of increasing their testosterone levels, some people get fit, and some get body modifications.

This is certainly why I get my tattoos. It creates a new piece of my body that I like. When I'm deciding what to get next, I see my body almost as a jigsaw puzzle. Where should I fill in next? It's like saying goodbye to an old piece of the body you very much hated and felt uncomfortable in.

Not all trans people feel dysphoria or the need to physically transition, but for me, my dysphoria is the only trans thing about me... and perhaps my secret collection of trans memes.

Tattoos can empower and liberate anyone, whoever they are or however they identify, but for me my tattoos really do keep me going, and two years ago, they kept me alive.

Let me introduce you to my ever-growing collection. Trust me, I would have a lot more but the student lifestyle is more beer and pot noodles than champagne and tattoos.

1) Trans tattoo

My first is my 'trans' tattoo. I didn't want the trans flag nor symbol because I effectively didn't want 'I AM TRANS' drawn permanently onto my body. This was at a time when I was nowhere near proud to be transgender, it was just a constant source of torture and the last thing I wanted to be, but I did want something to document my journey.

I created this design out of glyphs, which are small symbols that have different meanings. The glyphs stand for: transition. transform, transcend and transfuse. So, essentially, it is a very trans-orientated tattoo, but unless you just so happen to know your glyphs, you'd never know.

I would possibly consider getting a more obvious trans tattoo now, as I am proud of my journey and my community, but I don't plan to any time soon.

2) Rexy

My best friend is called Rex! He's wacky, he's intelligent, he can be a massive pain in the arse and, quite simply, that's why I love him. We have seven years of some really messy history but for the last three we've been inseparable. No one really knows either of us until they've met the other.

For his 19th birthday, I decided to get a tattoo dedicated to him and the obvious choice was a tyrannosaurus rex. I searched all over for a design and eventually, by complete accident, I stumbled across this design by one of my favourite artists. A t-rex floating up with balloons, holding a cocktail glass, and I though, yeah, that's my friend.

So now I have Rexy on my calf.

(Rex, you still owe me a tattoo!)

3) Bee

My bee is possibly my favourite tattoo so far. I like getting tattoos to remind me of people. This bee is for my mum. She's such an amazing person, I hope you get the pleasure of meeting her one day, you'll love her just as the rest of my friends do. She's so open minded and is one of my best friends because of it. She is a bee keeper and I love insect tattoos (I need more).

The long sting is so that I can incorporate it into a sleeve eventually.

4) "I will not stay silent so you can stay comfortable"

I LOVE this tattoo because it gives me a great indication as to whether I will get along with somebody or not. More open minded people tend to like it, whereas close minded people tend to just assume that I'm angry at the world.

This tattoo is read by people in different ways. Some read it as I will stand up against the oppressor despite inconveniencing them and some read it as I will stand up for the oppressed so that they can feel comfortable. Either way is correct, but it should be interesting for you to see who you assumed I was talking to.

Some people, usually older folk, find this tattoo offensive. They tend to come from rich, white, middle-class backgrounds, in other words: ignorant, privileged people. They think I'm a rebellious troublemaker, perhaps because they've been sheltered from real world issues, or maybe they just don't care. The truth is, if you immediately take offence to my tattoo, you're probably one of those people...

I believe that if you have privilege, you should use it to liberate those who don't, hence this tattoo.

5) Seahorse

Another subtle trans tattoo. Male seahorses are the ones who give birth. A lot of transmen still bare children and I think they're the bravest men in the world. You never know, I might do it myself one day (doubt it though)!

6) Flag

I got this matching tattoo with my wonderful friend, Sarah, when we went to Brighton Pride. It was her first tattoo and although she isn't LGBT+ herself, she got this with me as an ally, and I really admire her for that.

I took her tattoo virginity, so she took my burrito virginity!

7) Bow tie

My bow tie is to remind me of the summer of 2017. I spent it improving myself and falling in love with my best friend. My geek of a (now) boyfriend is rarely seen without a bow tie and so that is where the inspiration came from.

I know not all tattoos need to having a meaning, but my tattoos mean the world to me.

fab

One and a Half Years on T - Update

Hi everyone!!

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I haven't been actively keeping up this blog as being trans is no longer an enormous part of my life. That being said, my transition never stops and I have made some exciting progress!!

The 13th of November marked one years and six months of hormone replacement treatment and life is better than ever. I have started my degree in Sociology with Human Rights (my absolute passion) and have consequently moved to Essex, a place I already consider home. I have made some brilliant friends and I feel perfectly safe stumbling back from the club at the two in the morning wearing pink shorts, a Disney t-shirt and covered in glitter!!

I (try to) regularly go to the gym and have started a weekly Pilates class which I love.

Over the Summer, I met my best friend who, a month ago, became my boyfriend (left, in the photo).

On the 2nd of November, I went to my first consultation for top surgery at Charring Cross. The idea was that I had to have two assessments before being referred to have top surgery. However, because they delayed my first appointment by five months (so the wait was eleven months), the doctors had agreed to both sign for my referral as long as I was continuing to make good progress. Luckily, they agreed that I am, so I have officially been referred!!

I have chosen to have top surgery with Catherine Milroy, as she is local (London) and she has the shortest waiting time (three months). I plan to book my surgery for the beginning of the Summer holidays so I can recover at home and it doesn't affect my studies. I can't wait to feel free. I live in a tower block with 16 people to each floor, so I never leave my room without my binder on and exercise is quite restricted. It's so exciting to think that this will no longer be a problem in a matter of months.

Basically, other than deadlines and failing at learning Spanish, I couldn't be happier!!

Hope you're all well, keep in touch!!

fab

The Hormone Trough

Currently, I am overdue my hormone jab and it's horrible.

Usually, I get very low but for some reason this time my emotions are running very high, mainly experiencing anger and frustration.

I think this is due to the fact that I am in almost constant pain with cramps (like period cramps, except without the period). It is so debilitating and can leave me feeling faint and nauseous.

Baggy clothing is the only option as I am suffering from so much dysphoria and hatred of my body that I need to hide it as much as possible.

I know that feeling like this is ridiculous as I'm becoming more and more body confident by the week and life is pretty wonderful right now, but I really can't help these mood swings. I can go from being completely care-free to wanting to rip my flesh from my bones in the matter of seconds.

My next jab is on Monday and it can't come any sooner.

The Difference a Year Makes

It was a year ago today that I posted a blog piece called 'One and a Half Months on T, and Single'.

Link:

http://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/one-and-half-months-on-t-and-single.html

It came up on Facebook this morning and so I decided to have a look at it. To my surprise, what was a very serious and upsetting piece to write at the time, made me fall about laughing! Here's why:

"Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know." - This is hilarious as I have not been with a woman since, whereas I have been with multiple men, including two boyfriends.

"Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting." - This is somewhat still true, I still feel a bit dysphoric after sex sometimes, but I realised that lower surgery is in the very distant future and there's nothing I can do about that. The only person keeping me from enjoying sex is myself... sometimes.

"I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!!" - This is the really funny part, as anyone who knows me personally now knows that I'm hairy as hell and pretty much a self-proclaimed bottom.

"All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him." - It is insane how much difference a year makes. I'm still friends with this guy, but in all honesty, I barely remember feeling this way. It's a bit sad but I wouldn't revisit that part of my life.

So, that's it. In just one year, I've discovered myself and become a whole lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin... and a lot more gay.

fab

A Second Transition

The last month has been a weird one.

I celebrated 1 year on T on the 13th of May... kind of. That day was an enormous eye opener as to how miserable I was. I was still very unhappy with my body, recently had my heart broken, was drinking too much and very behind on my college work. My living situation also changed very dramatically as my grandmother was moved into a home, which has consequently given me my freedom back, but also means that I'll be without a home to come back to next year.

I decided that I was the only one who could turn my situation into a positive.

I've always relied on others to make me happy, I haven't been more than six months without a relationship since I was fifteen and became lonely very easily. I think it is trans-related as I've always needed reassurance that I'm good enough, which obviously got me into situations and relationships that were very unhealthy.

I decided that I needed to create my own happiness.

I started working out, spending more time with my friends and getting my coursework done.

Now, 38 days later, I'm in the happiest place I think I have ever been.

I'm going to the gym almost daily, I feel more of a part of my friendship group as my confidence has grown, and I've caught up with my coursework and will definitely have the grades I need to get into university.

I have also got over my last relationship. I'm actually enjoying being single and have no desire to commit to anyone new. I plan to move to university in October and start my new life on my own, which I'm so excited for.

I've also met another transman who I've become very close to. I've always wanted a good relationship with another transguy, but never found one I had a whole lot in common with. This guy is basically me so we never really run out of things to talk about!

I feel as though it's almost been a second transition. I figured out who I am, now I need to become the best me I can possibly be.

fab