My Mum

Today is my mum's birthday so I decided to write a piece about her.

First of all my mum is SUPER COOL.

• She owns a trike, called Connie (pictured) and got me into biking.
• She works as an Occupational Therapy Technician and gets to meet very elderly people, which I think is cool because who gets to meet a hundred year olds often?
• She's a bee keeper and dedicates a lot of time to tending to the bees and getting to know her stuff.
• She's a single mum who cares for my grandmother and has three incredibly awesome children (I'm the favourite, sorry Chris and Steve).
• She's a grandmother and she looks twenty.
• And finally: My mum has been my no.1 supporter since I came out to her.

She knew I had problems with my gender around the same time that I came out to my friends in October 2014, but it became a reality to her when I told her that I was transgender around Easter time 2015. To educate her, we would watch documentaries and talk openly about it a lot until I settled in to being her third son.

She worked hard to get me into CAMHS and came to all of my appointments.

I think what made her realise that I really wasn't a woman was that I wanted top surgery, a double mastectomy, as supposedly no woman would ever want to get rid of her breasts.

When I have bad days when my dysphoria really gets to me so much so that I don't want to do anything or see anyone, she would find a way to distract me, usually taking me out for a cup of tea or for a walk around a garden centre.

We always called the house we used to live in an 'LGBTQ safe haven'. I have a lot of friends who are LGBTQ and were always welcome in our home. My close friend who is a transwoman was able to come over and dress in her preferred clothing when she wasn't allowed to at home and many nights were spent reciting dance routines and singing along to 80's music (Mum joined in, of course).

My full name is Francis Alastair Brierley. Alastair after her, Alice. There were no other options.

Losing a daughter and gaining a son was not easy for her. I feel guilty for depriving her of having a daughter, but she knows I had to become who I was and she's been there every step of the way.

(2013-2015)

It's difficult enough being a single parent, let alone one to a trans person. I don't tell her enough but I love her to the moon and back and I appreciate her every single day.

I wish every trans person had a mum like her.

Thanks mum.

Happy birthday!!

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One Year Since Legally Becoming Francis

One year ago today I legally changed my name by deed poll.

Choosing my new name wasn't difficult for me.

Frances was originally my middle name, after my grandmother, so all I had to do was switch the E to an I.

Alastair is after my mum, Alice.

I did consider changing my surname to either my Mum's maiden name or current name, but then my initials would be FAT or FAP.

So I became FAB, because hey *hair flick*

To get my deed poll done I had to have a witness, so I chose my good friend and work supervisor, Kat, who had been a constant optimistic, supportive shoulder to lean on. So, on the 22nd of July 2015, we went to the Drawing Room in Chesham and signed all twenty-two copies whilst enjoying peppermint and gunpowder green tea.

Today, to celebrate, I met up with Kat for lunch and a catch up.

Also, just in addition, I will never talk about my dead name or reveal it to people who don't know. It is no longer my name and being called it or reminded of it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I think it's the only thing I will not talk openly about.

Changing my name is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

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Two Months on T

So the 13th marked my two months on hormones and a lot really has changed.

• Voice - My voice has dropped a lot and isn't cracking as much anymore. (Voice comparison video in an older post)
• Skin - Spots!! Luckily they're no horrific but I have got a few along my jawline, they're annoying but no enough so for me to consider them much of a problem.
• Hair - My leg hair has grown a lot, it's thicker and darker and I love it. My peach fuzz on my face is longer and more noticeable now and I have decent hair growing on my upper lip, although one side it dark brown and the other is blonde? Think I'll start shaving it.
• Appetite - I eat too much anyway. I've put on weight which I'm not appreciating but I think it's more to do with not having a job or money to go out and do things.
• Mood - My mood an improved, I'm not really low the majority of the time now and I've found that exercise helps me deal with sudden waves of anger. Overall, I'm a lot happier.
• Libido - Pretty much the same as it has been since thirty minutes after my first injection... incredibly high.
• Sexuality - I still don't consider myself to have a specific sexuality. If I love someone, I love someone, why label it? Although sexual relations with men are becoming less and less interesting to me.

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ID Photo Comparison

Changing my Image from Female to Male

The first thing most trans people do when coming out is change their appearance.

(Left, summer of 2014, right, winter of 2014)

I cut my hair short a few months before coming out and stopped dying it purple. I stopped wearing makeup as well.

I purchased a binder and got rid of my old bras, and replaced my pants with boxers.

I bagged all my clothing up and put it in the loft and bought plain t-shirts and trousers. I wore a lot of dark colours, mainly so that I wouldn't stand out and it wouldn't show off my body at all.

Passing

Passing is the most important aspect of my life. I want to be seen as the man I am, so when meeting new people, it can be very daunting. I can't wait to pass 100% and be able to just be me.

I used eyeshadow to darken my eyebrows which helped me pass better. I also used to contour my face but gave up as I passed just as well without.

I wore clothes that didn't show too much skin and I have only recently started wearing shorts*.

The best way to pass is to relax and just be yourself. Corny, I know! But when I don't care so much about passing, I pass almost all the time, and when I feel uncomfortable and dysphoric, I pass a lot less.

Letting Go

Last summer when getting ready to move house, I decided to get rid of my old clothes. I went through them all and ended up in tears. I didn't realise how emotional it would be. The clothes came with so many memories and a huge part of who I was.

I did keep a few of my favourite items. I would like to wear old clothes in the future after all, clothes have no gender

I gave the majority to my close friend who's transgender (male to female). I hope she enjoys them as much as I did.

The thing I miss most about my life before coming out is my old clothes, I loved my style and they made me feel attractive. I'm yet to discover a style that makes me feel like that again.

 (Curtesy of Mitko)

*I started wearing shorts because I got a tattoo on my leg. I've found that getting tattoos in places you're self-conscious about is a great way of making you more confident about the area. Also, it draws peoples attention to the tattoo, not the body part.

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Voice Comparison - 2 Months on T

Really really really happy!! You never realise how much it's changed until you compare it.

Parties

Parties are always a bit daunting for anybody who is self-conscious or suffers from anxiety.

So as a transman who suffers from anxiety, parties can be exhausting.

On the 10th of November 2014, I went to my first party as Frank. I'd warned people beforehand that I didn't want to be referred to as my dead-name* and as soon as the front door opened Vini shouted "Frank!", gave me a big hug and forced a vodka shot down my throat.

As the evening went on, people made an effort to call me Frank and use male pronouns.

Although, the evening ended in a panic attack and being driven home by an ex-boyfriend, it was a good party and I realised how much I had been taking my friends for granted over the years.

Thank you all for being so accepting <3

Nowadays, dead-naming and misgendering aren't really a problem. New acquaintances may slip up on pronouns, but my friends have my back and I'm not too sensitive about it anymore.

Issues do occur when people I meet have a lot of questions and don't know what is polite and what is offensive and invasive, especially when drunk.

"What are you?"

"So if you like girls, are you a lesbian?"

"Do you have a penis?"

"When you get a penis, can I see it?"

You don't have to be a genius to realise that these questions are inappropriate or could cause upset.

Otherwise, I like parties, I love my friends, I enjoy meeting new people and am very much looking forward to the next one.

(Sorry, for pushing you off the sofa, Mitko)

*A dead-name is the name a trans person was given at birth but no longer goes by. You should never dead-name a trans person.

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Anxiety

I suffer from anxiety.

There, I said it.

I suffer from anxiety, which I find strange as, mentally, I consider myself to be incredibly laidback.

I know that everything is okay and that even if the worst happened, I'd have so much support, but my body constantly lets me down.

It began when I pulled my stomach from heavy lifting at my old college. On the two hour train journey home, I suddenly felt frighteningly nauseous and ended up spending half an hour actually trying to make myself throw up in the Baker Street toilets. That journey home was the one of the worst experiences of my life and ever since the fear of throwing up has become constant. I also got gastritis very soon afterwards. I take tablets to settle my stomach and avoid any acidic foods and drinking too much alcohol. 

Recently, I've also started to feel faint and find it hard to breathe. It comes on very suddenly and leads to more nausea and panic.

Once panic sets in, I start to get heart palpitations. I have tablets to decrease adrenaline now. My chill pills.

I used to get frequent panic attacks which, to be honest, I preferred because you could lead a laidback, energetic lifestyle in between. Furthermore, panic attacks are quite brief and make you feel grand afterwards, whereas this anxiety is a daily struggle.

(I'm not actually promoting panic attacks, they're horrible)

It's quite debilitating, as everything could be fine, but my body completely let's me down. Even going to parties with people I'm completely comfortable with makes me feel really panicky.

Another cause of anxiety when going out is using public toilets. I never use the women's and due to a few unpleasant experiences in men's bathrooms, I refuse to go anywhere that doesn't have a separate men's bathroom or a disabled bathroom. At least until I pass better.

As I continue to change and pass better and my confidence grows, I hope my anxieties will lessen.

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Where I feel Dysphoria

A list of parts of my body that I'm self-conscious about and make me feel disgusting:

1. My head - I feel like I have a disproportionally small head compared to my body.
2. My cheeks - I have quite chubby cheeks, which everyone loves to point out.
3. My jaw - I have a very soft jaw line.
4. My lack of facial hair - I'd love a beard.
5. My neck - I have a long, slender neck. Although, I have notices that it's getting broader since I started T.
6. My shoulders - They aren't broad enough.
7. My arms - I'm working on gaining a little bit more muscle so they're not quite so thin and gangly.
8. My torso - I have a very narrow torso, I wish it were wider.
9. My chest - Well... I have boobs.
10. My stomach - I've put on a lot of weight since starting T.
11. My hips - My hips are the thing I hate most. They're wide and make me so angry and upset. If I ever have a day when I don't want to leave the house, it's because I'm extremely unhappy about my hips.
12. My bum - Although it's getting smaller, it's not small enough yet.
13. My thighs - I have chubby thighs, which I hate.
14. My calves - They're very thin compared to my thighs. I think it looks weird.
15. My feet - I'm a size 5. Do you know how difficult it is to find decent men's shoes in size 5?!

Altogether I just feel very out of proportion.

A list of parts of my body that I like:

1. My hair - It's very soft and appears to change colour depending on the weather.
2. My eyes - I like the fact that they're quite greeny.
3. My teeth - I had braces, so my teeth are pretty straight.
4. My tattoos - My trans tattoo and my t-rex tattoo mean a lot to me.

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