Anxiety

I suffer from anxiety.

There, I said it.

I suffer from anxiety, which I find strange as, mentally, I consider myself to be incredibly laidback.

I know that everything is okay and that even if the worst happened, I'd have so much support, but my body constantly lets me down.

It began when I pulled my stomach from heavy lifting at my old college. On the two hour train journey home, I suddenly felt frighteningly nauseous and ended up spending half an hour actually trying to make myself throw up in the Baker Street toilets. That journey home was the one of the worst experiences of my life and ever since the fear of throwing up has become constant. I also got gastritis very soon afterwards. I take tablets to settle my stomach and avoid any acidic foods and drinking too much alcohol. 

Recently, I've also started to feel faint and find it hard to breathe. It comes on very suddenly and leads to more nausea and panic.

Once panic sets in, I start to get heart palpitations. I have tablets to decrease adrenaline now. My chill pills.

I used to get frequent panic attacks which, to be honest, I preferred because you could lead a laidback, energetic lifestyle in between. Furthermore, panic attacks are quite brief and make you feel grand afterwards, whereas this anxiety is a daily struggle.

(I'm not actually promoting panic attacks, they're horrible)

It's quite debilitating, as everything could be fine, but my body completely let's me down. Even going to parties with people I'm completely comfortable with makes me feel really panicky.

Another cause of anxiety when going out is using public toilets. I never use the women's and due to a few unpleasant experiences in men's bathrooms, I refuse to go anywhere that doesn't have a separate men's bathroom or a disabled bathroom. At least until I pass better.

As I continue to change and pass better and my confidence grows, I hope my anxieties will lessen.

fab