Farewell, 2016... and thanks

In times like these, when everything is a bit miserable, it is important to realise just how far you have come.

I am not a winter person. Rex (my best mate) and I refer to it as 'f*** up season' because something always goes terribly wrong and usually it's because we get so bored, we end up subconsciously encouraging it to do so just so we can experience some sort of excitement (yes, we are that stupid).

The last few weeks have been pretty tedious and lacking excitement. The only thing to do is college then go to the pub as often as possible so you don't end up just going home and feeling lonely.

Furthermore, as we come to the end of 2016, we look back on all the really bloody awful things humanity has brought upon itself this year.

However, I'll let you know what's being keeping me going. This:

(Oct, 2014, when I came out - Dec, 2016, seven months on T)

Perhaps you may not see much of a difference, but I can't even explain how vastly my life has changed in the past year.

I began the year in the lowest place I have ever been, unable to leave the house on certain days.

Then, somebody taught me that I am loveable, wherever I am in my transition.

Then, a brain tumour-scare was cleared.

Then, I started testosterone.

Then, my voice broke.

Then, I started to pass 100%.

Then, I discovered what I want to dedicate my life to. I've been given a purpose.

Then, I took Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and met some wonderful people. My anxiety has gone from a 10 to a 01 on the scale.

Then, I began to overcome my fear of doing certain things and going certain places.

Now, I have freedom.

Globally, 2016 was a horrific year, but in my incredibly little world (I'm 5'4"), it has been the making of me.

Thank you to my friends and family, this year has made up for all of those years of confusion and self-doubt.

And thank you to my boys for becoming my brothers.

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7 Months on T

The last months has been perhaps the best so far. I've been going out a lot which is amazing to be able to do as I was never confident enough to do so before.
I'm not dating anybody so have time to focus on myself. I actually exercise daily now, so that's... unlike me. I feel much better for it though.
I'm completing therapy for my physical anxiety and I feel as though I've made a major break through.
Onwards and upwards.

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6 Months on T - Update

Half a year on hormones?! That's insane!

It's hard to explain how much has changed in such a short amount of time. The best way to explain it is that I feel completely rejuvenated.

I am still the exact same person I was pre-T, but now I am so much more in touch with myself and a great deal more head-strong. This newfound confidence gave me the boost I needed to discover what I want from life.

I finally feel like I have a purpose and that's awesome.

Have the updated voice comparison with an extra cheesy bit because I love you:

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Sexuality

It's not difficult to realise that gender and sexuality are entirely different things.

Gender is who you are and what you identify as.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

Just like gender, sexuality is on a scale.

Obviously, there are straight people, who are only attracted to the opposite sex.

Then, there are gay people, who are only attracted to the same sex.

Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women.

Pansexuals are attracted to any gender. This does not mean that pansexuals are attracted to everybody. Just like how straight people find certain people attractive, pansexuals do too, however their attraction is not limited by gender.

Asexuals have no sexual attraction to anybody.

What I've learned over the last few years is that it's okay to be any one of these (there are many, many more on the scale).

There are so many sexualities, it's sad to think that people feel like they have to find their label.

I have identified as L,G,B, T and Q within the past decade.

At fifteen, I discovered that I liked both men and women (bisexual). For a few months, I was convinced that I was only interested in women (lesbian). Then, I came to terms with my gender issues and began experimenting with gender fluidity (queer). Obviously, I discovered that I didn't identify with being female (transgender). I was in a relationship with another man for a few months (gay). When I started hormone replacement treatment, I was convinced that I was solely attracted to women again (straight). As my hormones settled down, I realised that I was still attracted to men and, in fact, all genders (pansexual).

So... let's say I've had fun!

What am I now? I simply don't know.

I always picture myself ending up with a woman, but in reality, I never meet women I'm attracted to. I've taken a step back recently to re-evaluate as to whether I'm even attracted to women at all, and I always come up with the same conclusion... I have absolutely no idea! For now, I'm alright with that.

Why should it matter? Being gay, or lesbian, or bisexual, or transgender, or queer, doesn't make me a better or worse person, and unless I'm getting off with them, it certainly shouldn't matter to anybody else!

I'm not saying that sexuality isn't important, and people should feel proud and liberated by their sexuality, but if we are to teach the next generation that there is nothing wrong with being in the LGBTQ community, then we need to teach them that the LGBTQ community are no different from the straight community. Because we're not. We're all human.

At the end of the day, if I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with them, no matter who they are or what they have.

And that's okay.

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Public Toilets

Using public toilets are usually not the highlight of anybody's day, but as a trans person, it can be a really scary experience.

I first started using male toilets at work shortly after I came out. They were separated single restrooms so even if I didn't look male to somebody they couldn't really get upset.

I gradually began using male loos elsewhere when I finished my year of studying in South London, where I stopped attending because I was worried for my safety after being heckled multiple times in the hallway. Leaving that place and beginning again in a new, more local college gave me a fresh start as I could live full-time as myself instead of hiding in the closet for protection.

Now, in my new college, I could use the male toilets, however I would only use the ones on the second and third floors that were never busy during lesson time. I was quite often late back because if somebody came into the bathroom I'd stay and hide in the cubicle until I could make my escape.

Early this year, I went to a local pub with friends and was aggressively asked twice what I thought I was doing in the male bathrooms. This completely shattered my confidence and led to a dramatic increase of anxiety in public.

For a friend's birthday, I went to London with a group and we ended up at an incredibly busy bar. I braved the toilets once and it was terrifying. I was surrounded by much taller, older, masculine men. My heart has never palpitated like that before or since. I spent the rest of the night not drinking in fear of having to use the bathroom again. I actually became quite ill the next day from having dehydrated myself. 

I spent a long time avoiding going any place with bathrooms rather than separate cubicles, which, luckily, our local brewery shop has!

Why didn't I just use the women's toilets? Because I am not a woman, it's that simple. My name is Frank, everybody knows me as male and ultimately if I were to get kicked out of a male toilet, I could prove with my ID that I am Francis Alastair.

That's the reality of using public toilets as a trans man.

Thankfully there are no actual laws prohibiting anybody using any toilet. However, some of my American brothers are not so fortunate.

In some states, trans/genderqueer people have to legally use the bathroom that matches their birth sex, not matter how far along in social or medical transition they are. One brother I spoke to doesn't use public toilets at all, as he would either get shouted at in the women's or possibly fined for using the men's.

It's one thing to be transgender, but it's another thing to be transgender and scared.

My confidence in using the right bathroom has grown and grown as I've been on hormones, especially since my voice dropped, but last night was a revelation.

I went to the Royal Albert Hall with my mum and my best friend to see Jurassic Park with the London Philharmonic Orchestra playing the music (I know right!). At the interval, I went to use the bathroom, queued for five minutes, even spoke to a few blokes in there and, with no anxiety or problems what so ever, peed, washed my hands and left.

It was only afterwards that I realised how much of a big deal it was to me. I've been using male toilets everywhere for over a year now, but now I've finally reached a stage where such a stupidly simple, everyday thing, like going to the toilet, doesn't have to be such a big issue in my life.

If you're worried about sharing a restroom with a trans person, just remember they're a lot more scared of you than you are of them.

They just want to pee.

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Interviews and Such

Interviews and other formal meetings can be very daunting, especially if you're desperate to be accepted as the gender you identify with.

Personally, I don't like to reveal that I am trans, and thankfully I needn't disclose it because I pass 100% of the time now. However, pre-hormones, I did appreciate it when people perhaps warned others beforehand to avoid the awkwardness of misgendering etc, because I was never brave enough to speak up for myself if the situation ever arose.

I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with job interviews between the time that I came out and started hormones because I had a job where I was fully accepted and felt comfortable.

My college interview was pretty scary, but my present tutor was really friendly and I felt perfectly comfortable just being myself. I even found out later in the year that when he was told I was trans he was surprised and supposedly clueless.

I don't plan to ever tell a future employer or tutor that I am trans because it shouldn't matter and I like to think it's not so obvious anymore. That being said, I would like to work with trans people, so I would happily confess in that situation.

Although it is illegal to discriminate against potential employees, it does happen, I know people who it has happened to, and I wouldn't want to risk being turned down.

The only thing about formal meetings and events that make me feel particularly uncomfortable is what to wear. Suits set off my dysphoria like nothing else. Around a year ago, I went suit shopping with my mum and ended up an emotional wreck because they made me feel so disproportionate and showed me how far I was from where I wanted to be. I feel like I'd still get upset if I went now, but I will have to brave it sooner or later for university interviews. You never know, I may be pleasantly surprised. I'll have to let you know...

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Losing Loved Ones

Unfortunately, a really big issue the majority of trans people have to face is losing loved ones because of their transition. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with a lot of that.

When I first came out, a few of my family members send me messages and letters showing their support and reassuring me that I'm still loved and accepted. I urge anybody with a trans family member to do this. It's never too late.

I still have absolutely no idea what a few family members think of me and my transition and although I'd love to know, perhaps they've stayed silent for a reason and I respect that.

Although it wasn't completely directly to do with my transition, I did lose two very important close family members. I was told that due to my transition I was not allowed contact with a family member and because of this I told another that I no longer wanted them in my life. I refuse to feel guilty for who I am.

It still hurts, but I spent most of my teen years being bullied by that side of the family and I don't need toxic people in my life, I've fought to hard to get to where I am now.

As always, there is a positive to this situation. It has taught me a lot, mainly to do with becoming a parent. Being supposedly infertile and unable to have children of my own, I love the idea of adoption. What losing certain family members has taught me is that it wouldn't matter if they were related to me, my children will be my children and they will come first.

When I become a dad, I'll be a dad for the rest of my life, not for a few years until something else comes along.

Today has been a sad day, but I'm feeling pretty body positive and I'm wearing my new happy top (it has rainbows and stuff on it)

Happy birthday, George.

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5 Months on T - Update and Voice Comparison

Due to a tremendous lack of communication between doctors and clinics, I have only just booked my third jab for the 19th of October, but at least it's finally happening!!

Tomorrow, I am five months on T and very happy with the changes so far.

Over the last month specifically I've noticed a sudden increase in body hair, mainly on my stomach. I'm also getting chest hair, not much but it's beginning to grow.

The thing I'm most happy about is that my 'monthly cycle' appears to have stopped for definite.

HALLELUJAH

I have lost some weight recently, going back to what I was before I started hormones. My trousers are beginning to slip from my hips, which I'm hoping is a sign that my body fat is starting to go to the right places.

I feel that, mentally, I am completely back to normal after the first initial surge of hormones. I'm not confused, angry or outrageously sexually frustrated anymore... although I do still get aroused very easily.

My voice has pretty much stayed the same, I think it's just starting to be more natural to me, so less voice cracks occur. Check out the comparison below:

I'm comfortable with using the men's bathroom and haven't been misgendered by a stranger in months. Couldn't be happier.

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Voice Comparison - 4 months on T

(Excuse the writing over it, new computer and no software yet)

4 Months on T - Update

I'm four months on testosterone!!
A noticeable amount has changed since I started T.

• I have a decent amount of body hair now. Mainly on my lower back and stomach. My leg hair is also a lot thicker and is turning from white to ginger all of a sudden (nice). I think my head hair isn't as fine as it used to be too. I shave my face up to once a week, if I leave it for too long I get a 'porn-stache' and blonde fuzz on the sides of my face.
• I'm pretty sure my voice has gotten deeper or perhaps slightly more grizzly. It still surprises me sometimes. It's lower than some of my cis-male friend's voices. (Will upload comparison later)
• I have some acne on my jawline, which I don't really appreciate but it's pretty easy to make it less noticeable by using products.

(Me and the wifey, Ellen)

I'm passing 100% now and I am treated as cisgender by pretty much everyone. I am able to live a perfectly normal life which is amazing to finally be able to do.
I'm no longer 'that trans guy', I'm just Frank, and I've never been happier.

fab

Decisions, Decisions...

I've made some decisions *dun dun duuuuuun*

Recently, after realising that I only have one more year of college left, I re-evaluated my plan.

I have decided that after college, I would like to take a break from education and get a full-time job for one or two years, before hopefully going to university, ideally abroad.

When it comes to transitioning, I have changed my mind a little. In January, I should be placed on the NHS top surgery waiting list *little dance of joy*. I was told by one of the doctors that what transmen usually do is get their top surgery done, then go off for about five or six years before coming back for bottom surgery (if they so wish).

However, I would quite like to move country as soon as possible. I would also like to get over as much struggle of being trans as quickly as possible and knowing that in a few years time I'd have to return for major surgery would always loom over me. THEREFORE, I have come to the conclusion (will probably change) that I would like to have lower surgery and get it out the way asap.

It's a very terrifying thought but it would mean that I could move on and live as much of my life as how I would like to be as possible. I like to think it will be done by my mid-twenties.

I know I will have a lot of support to get me through, so fingers crossed and I will keep you updated.

fab

Dumb Questions Answered

I thought it would be fun to actually answer all the dumb questions I, and a few others, have been asked by aqcaintences, because apparently I have nothing better to do.

You'd have to find someone who's pansexual because gay men won't be attracted to you, right?

This is actually really offensive. I see where you're coming from but nevertheless. The definition of homosexuality is being attracted to the same gender. So some gay men are perfectly capable of being attracted to transguys.

If a woman dates a man that used to be a woman, that makes her a lesbian, right?

Well, with that logic if you date someone who used to be a child, that makes you a paedophile, right?

So, I assume you're a bottom?

Just because we may not have the natural equipment doesn't mean we can't be a top. I have a penis, it's just detachable.

Do you have sex the gay way?

Well... if two men have sex... that's pretty gay.

Do you have sex the lesbian way?

Ok, you're not listening to me.

What's in your pants?

Disappointment.

But how do you pee?

If I have my packer with me, I pee standing up using it. Otherwise, I'm not skilled enough at aiming to stand, but the thought is pretty hilarious.

If you don't get a willy, doesn't that make it pointless?

A lot of transmen don't get lower surgery. 1) Because they don't want to 2) Have you seen how terrifying the surgery is?!

When you get your penis, can I see it?

Can I see yours? No? That would be weird and inappropriate? Then what makes you think you can see mine?

Does the voice in your head change as your voice drops?

I actually really like this question. I always had a deeper voice in my head, but now I think my actual voice is deeper and raspier. So no, I don't think so.
And a lot of the time I read in Will Arnett's voice...

Can I call you [insert birthname]?

NO. That's no longer my name so why would you ever call me that?

After writing this I've realised how many inappropriate, sexual questions I and so many other trans people are asked and expected to answer. Why is it anybody's business how we have sex or what genitals we have? How about they get to know us for who we are and they might just learn something.

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Dating Transmen for Dummies

I guess all of this could apply for dating a transwoman as well but seen as I don't know very much about their end of the spectrum, I'll keep it to transmen. (As always, some transmen may feel differently about these points)

Treat him as a man: Don't treat them as female or patronise them about 'male' things. Saying things like 'at least you'll never have to deal with *biological male issue*', can get really annoying, because I know I'd take all of the annoying biological male issues over being trans.  Also, calling their body parts the male equivalent will boost them massively.

Don't constantly remind him that he's trans: He knows! He wakes up everyday remembering and spends each day trying to forget. Being trans is rubbish and the best thing anybody could do is to help them forget and bring some sort of normality into their life.

Realise that he is probably a very unhappy person, however well he hides it: Obviously not every transman is unhappy, but it is very likely that he is. Pick him up, make his day, keep him going when he's having a bad day. It's not difficult to remind someone that they're valid and important.

Expect him to keep secrets: He may have things that he just won't be ready to tell you for a while, and that's okay. He's not shutting you out, he's just uncomfortable with whatever it may be himself. Give him time to open up, there's no rush.

Expect the same treatment back: However unhappy he is, you should always expect emotional support back from your partner. As in every relationship, give and take should be as equal as possible, and his struggles with transitioning should not be allowed to disrupt that. If it does, then you are completely entitled to how you feel about it. As long as you're not blaming him for being trans, you should be able to confront him about any issues you're having.

And that brings me to my last point.
Never make him feel bad for being trans: The things that makes me most upset about being trans is that I don't feel that I can love someone the way I want to or the way they deserve, whether that be physically or emotionally. That is the one thing that would completely tear me apart and I'm constantly afraid it may happen someday.

So there you go. It's not rocket science. Treat it like any other relationship. The foundation of your relationship will not be based on him being trans, the only difference it makes is that you may have to be a bit more patient and sensitive.

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Being a Small Being

The thing I get most teased about is my height... original, I know.

I'm 5'4", which is pretty short, and it used to be a constant source of embarrassment for me. That's until I released that I can't do anything about it and what is so important about height anyway? The only thing I can't do that taller people can is reach the top shelf... but that's why chairs were invented!! Plus the evolutionary explanation as to why people are attracted to taller individuals doesn't apply to me anyway because I'm not exactly capable of breeding, so yay!!

(Lies, I've grown 2mm in the last three years)

Advantages of being small:

1. People play with your hair
2. Your feet never stick out of the duvet and get cold
3. Get called cute a lot
4. More clothing options because you can fit into men's and boy's sizes
5. Good at hide and seek
6. When someone says you're small, they're really saying that the only thing wrong with you is that there's not enough of you.

I'm over getting upset about comments about my height, but when I hear short jokes 24/7 from people thinking they're being original, it's like...

The sooner you can come to terms with the things you can't change, the sooner you'll become happier in yourself.

fab

19 Years Old

Yesterday was my birthday *dances around in onesie*

Yesterday, I turned the big 1-9 and although it wasn't really that much of a big deal, I felt like nothing could get me down. I had plenty of birthday messages (thank you again), some great presents (I officially have a lot of clothes now, all colourful of course) and I went out to celebrate with friends.

(My mum went the a particular shop to find me something 'masculine' and returned with this)

The thing that I wanted to specifically talk about is how much of a difference a year makes.

This was me at my eighteenth birthday party.

I was surrounded by great friends and had a wonderful time but in reality, I was a very unhappy person and felt incredibly far away from where I wanted to get to. I hadn't been to a Gender Identity Clinic yet and the prospect of starting testosterone seemed so out of reach.

This was me at my nineteenth birthday celebration (right).

Still surrounded by great friends, but so much happier! I'm over three months on testosterone and feeling the great effects. I'm about a hundred times more confident in public and feel that I can be a friendly and open as I always was, but was too shy and self-conscious to be. I'm even considering applying for university this year now that I have the gusto to start such an adventure.

So yes, a year makes a whole load of difference. I'm hopeful that when my twentieth comes around I'll be in the stages of preparing for top surgery and every year following will be another huge leap in my transition.

fab

3 Months on T - Update

Just a quick update.

Today, I am three months of testosterone and I'm feeling great.

My confidence is higher than it has been for years. I'm gradually feeling more at home with myself and starting to sort of like parts of my body.

I love my leg hair, my pathetic facial fuzz and my voice. Gosh, I love my voice.

I haven't been misgendered for a couple of months now, both in public and on the phone.

I'm so much more chilled and relaxed now that my sex drive isn't taking over my life and had balanced out nicely.

(My voice comparison is in the previous post)

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Voice Comparison - 3 Months on T

I've had a lot of brilliant comments on my voice, I think people are really beginning to notice it!

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Dating as a Transman

Romantic relationships don't have to be complicated simply because you're trans. Personally, it's only the sexual aspect of relationships that have the potential to make things difficult, but it's not all about sex, so here's a piece on dating.

The process of becoming comfortable with someone in a romantic light can be both exciting and daunting for everyone, right? But, as a transman, the pressure to be seen as who you are and not your body is really really stressful and can be incredibly depressing at times when you feel as though the person can't fully see you for you or perhaps doesn't find you physically attractive. Appearances are obviously not everything, but nobody can help who they find and don't find physically attractive. Saying that, I don't think I could date someone who wasn't physically attracted to me, because it would be really awful for my confidence. I do believe, however, that physical attraction can grow as you fall more and more for someone, so perhaps I'll rely on that!

My last boyfriend was actually able to almost completely rid of my dysphoria simply by assuring me that he found me attractive in every way and he respected my decision and boundaries, for example, he was never to see my chest without a binder on.

As a transman, when I find out somebody finds me attractive, the self confidence boost it gives me is spectacular. Going from constantly feeling unattractive to knowing that someone sees you as an attractive man is like *girlish squeal*.

I also only really enjoy being in very equally relationships, where there isn't a partner who plays the (to be horribly stereotypical) male role or female role. I don't consider myself to be particularly masculine or feminine so either roles don't suit me, which is possibly why I've dated more men, because I find that balance in them more easily.

I never felt the need to be in a relationship, but was always open to perhaps finding somebody and giving it a go. When in a relationship you become responsible for a whole other person and if you're going through some bad times it can be difficult, but you always have your partner to lean on. Equally what I have discovered is that helping a partner with their issues is a really good distraction from your own troubles.

(And if all goes bust I still have my cat)

I have also done a piece about dating trans people to give the opposite side of things which I will post soonish.

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Mood Update - 11 weeks

I'm now just under three months/11 weeks/81 days on testosterone and it's been a really weird experience, but I'm finally starting to see more and more positive effects.

I put on 4 pounds when I started T and have very suddenly gone down to 8st13 again.

I've also put on a tiny bit of muscle, only noticeable on my arms (which are still not impressive but I'm working on it). When tensed, their circumferences are actually 2cms larger.

MY CONFIDENCE HAS GONE UP SO MUCH NOW THAT MY VOICE IS DEEPER. My anxiety in public is dimming down and instead of avoiding talking to strangers because my voice would give me away, I feel perfectly happy speaking to them. In fact, I avidly try to so that they know I'm male from my voice.

I never get misgendered down the phone now either, they call me 'Sir' and know that Francis is spelt with a 'I'. Makes a difference to saying my name was Frank and getting a response of 'Your taxi will be with you in twenty minute, Miss Frank'...

(Will do a new voice comparison in the next couple of weeks)

I've also go the confidence to stay over at parties and really enjoy myself instead of panicking all the time.

Oh, and I kinda, might of, perhaps, got a new boyfriend... which is a surprise to even myself after one of my last blog posts!!

So yes, my sexuality appears to have gone back to what it was before. I honestly, embarrassingly, think I was only interested in women and not men because my libido was so amazingly high and I didn't like how I have sex with men.

But not everything is about sex anymore, which is nice. Since my libido has dropped to a healthy level, I feel so much more chilled out and I feel like I'm moving onwards and upwards.

Anyway, this guy makes me happy and I'm excited to see where it goes. Plus he's SUPER CUTE. (I know he'll read this)

I'm gradually feeling more confident in my own skin, so much so that I'm dressing more how I want, which is awesome because I have great fashion sense... 

I even dyed my hair, which I've been wanting to do for ages but didn't because I didn't think I'd pass with it. So naturally I went for a most awful colour to dye my hair to make up for time lost.

(It's green)

One last thing, I've been having so many positive comments and messages passed along to me about this blog, which makes me feel like it's all worth it. Thank you for supporting me and reading my thought processes as they come.

fab

My Mum

Today is my mum's birthday so I decided to write a piece about her.

First of all my mum is SUPER COOL.

• She owns a trike, called Connie (pictured) and got me into biking.
• She works as an Occupational Therapy Technician and gets to meet very elderly people, which I think is cool because who gets to meet a hundred year olds often?
• She's a bee keeper and dedicates a lot of time to tending to the bees and getting to know her stuff.
• She's a single mum who cares for my grandmother and has three incredibly awesome children (I'm the favourite, sorry Chris and Steve).
• She's a grandmother and she looks twenty.
• And finally: My mum has been my no.1 supporter since I came out to her.

She knew I had problems with my gender around the same time that I came out to my friends in October 2014, but it became a reality to her when I told her that I was transgender around Easter time 2015. To educate her, we would watch documentaries and talk openly about it a lot until I settled in to being her third son.

She worked hard to get me into CAMHS and came to all of my appointments.

I think what made her realise that I really wasn't a woman was that I wanted top surgery, a double mastectomy, as supposedly no woman would ever want to get rid of her breasts.

When I have bad days when my dysphoria really gets to me so much so that I don't want to do anything or see anyone, she would find a way to distract me, usually taking me out for a cup of tea or for a walk around a garden centre.

We always called the house we used to live in an 'LGBTQ safe haven'. I have a lot of friends who are LGBTQ and were always welcome in our home. My close friend who is a transwoman was able to come over and dress in her preferred clothing when she wasn't allowed to at home and many nights were spent reciting dance routines and singing along to 80's music (Mum joined in, of course).

My full name is Francis Alastair Brierley. Alastair after her, Alice. There were no other options.

Losing a daughter and gaining a son was not easy for her. I feel guilty for depriving her of having a daughter, but she knows I had to become who I was and she's been there every step of the way.

(2013-2015)

It's difficult enough being a single parent, let alone one to a trans person. I don't tell her enough but I love her to the moon and back and I appreciate her every single day.

I wish every trans person had a mum like her.

Thanks mum.

Happy birthday!!

fab

One Year Since Legally Becoming Francis

One year ago today I legally changed my name by deed poll.

Choosing my new name wasn't difficult for me.

Frances was originally my middle name, after my grandmother, so all I had to do was switch the E to an I.

Alastair is after my mum, Alice.

I did consider changing my surname to either my Mum's maiden name or current name, but then my initials would be FAT or FAP.

So I became FAB, because hey *hair flick*

To get my deed poll done I had to have a witness, so I chose my good friend and work supervisor, Kat, who had been a constant optimistic, supportive shoulder to lean on. So, on the 22nd of July 2015, we went to the Drawing Room in Chesham and signed all twenty-two copies whilst enjoying peppermint and gunpowder green tea.

Today, to celebrate, I met up with Kat for lunch and a catch up.

Also, just in addition, I will never talk about my dead name or reveal it to people who don't know. It is no longer my name and being called it or reminded of it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I think it's the only thing I will not talk openly about.

Changing my name is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

fab

Two Months on T

So the 13th marked my two months on hormones and a lot really has changed.

• Voice - My voice has dropped a lot and isn't cracking as much anymore. (Voice comparison video in an older post)
• Skin - Spots!! Luckily they're no horrific but I have got a few along my jawline, they're annoying but no enough so for me to consider them much of a problem.
• Hair - My leg hair has grown a lot, it's thicker and darker and I love it. My peach fuzz on my face is longer and more noticeable now and I have decent hair growing on my upper lip, although one side it dark brown and the other is blonde? Think I'll start shaving it.
• Appetite - I eat too much anyway. I've put on weight which I'm not appreciating but I think it's more to do with not having a job or money to go out and do things.
• Mood - My mood an improved, I'm not really low the majority of the time now and I've found that exercise helps me deal with sudden waves of anger. Overall, I'm a lot happier.
• Libido - Pretty much the same as it has been since thirty minutes after my first injection... incredibly high.
• Sexuality - I still don't consider myself to have a specific sexuality. If I love someone, I love someone, why label it? Although sexual relations with men are becoming less and less interesting to me.

fab

ID Photo Comparison

Changing my Image from Female to Male

The first thing most trans people do when coming out is change their appearance.

(Left, summer of 2014, right, winter of 2014)

I cut my hair short a few months before coming out and stopped dying it purple. I stopped wearing makeup as well.

I purchased a binder and got rid of my old bras, and replaced my pants with boxers.

I bagged all my clothing up and put it in the loft and bought plain t-shirts and trousers. I wore a lot of dark colours, mainly so that I wouldn't stand out and it wouldn't show off my body at all.

Passing

Passing is the most important aspect of my life. I want to be seen as the man I am, so when meeting new people, it can be very daunting. I can't wait to pass 100% and be able to just be me.

I used eyeshadow to darken my eyebrows which helped me pass better. I also used to contour my face but gave up as I passed just as well without.

I wore clothes that didn't show too much skin and I have only recently started wearing shorts*.

The best way to pass is to relax and just be yourself. Corny, I know! But when I don't care so much about passing, I pass almost all the time, and when I feel uncomfortable and dysphoric, I pass a lot less.

Letting Go

Last summer when getting ready to move house, I decided to get rid of my old clothes. I went through them all and ended up in tears. I didn't realise how emotional it would be. The clothes came with so many memories and a huge part of who I was.

I did keep a few of my favourite items. I would like to wear old clothes in the future after all, clothes have no gender

I gave the majority to my close friend who's transgender (male to female). I hope she enjoys them as much as I did.

The thing I miss most about my life before coming out is my old clothes, I loved my style and they made me feel attractive. I'm yet to discover a style that makes me feel like that again.

 (Curtesy of Mitko)

*I started wearing shorts because I got a tattoo on my leg. I've found that getting tattoos in places you're self-conscious about is a great way of making you more confident about the area. Also, it draws peoples attention to the tattoo, not the body part.

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