Dysphoria, 522 days later...

It has been 522 days since I last wrote a piece about my dysphoria:

https://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/where-i-feel-dysphoria.html

Usually, I'm pretty good at dealing with dysphoria, it can be pretty easy to ignore or cover up. However, in the last three weeks, it has become a prevalent issue.

Since I had my last consultation and discovering I should be having top surgery within the next six(ish) months, my hatred for my body has dramatically increased, so much so that I am almost writing this in tears.

Before, I had learned to be patient with my body, even learned to love parts of it, but now surgery is right around the corner it has made me focus so much more on it and has triggered some very unwelcome emotions.

Binding is no longer satisfactory. Living with 16 other people means that I never leave my room without wearing one, so they loosen fairly quickly and I feel like they're more supporting than flattening. If I jump, I can feel my chest move and it's deeply unsettling.

I am also fully aware that my dysphoria won't end after top surgery. My main issue with my body is my waist and hips, and once I no longer need to worry about my chest, all of my attention will be on them.

I'm fully aware that I don't have enormous 'love handles', but for some reason my mind is just constantly conscious of them. I can feel them, like an intrusive presence, almost as though someone is holding me there. It's strange but I can really feel them there, like tumours, and it is soul-destroying.

I know that getting fit will help and it has done in the past, however exercising in a binder is very restrictive and difficult. Hopefully, after surgery I will be able to reach my fitness goals and alleviate even more dysphoria.

My boyfriend is amazing. He respects my issues with my body and loves me regardless. I'm trying my best to not let my insecurities become a barrier between us. The fact that our bodies don't match is upsetting for me and when I have a really bad phase I just don't want him to touch me, which he is fine with. I have woken up in the middle of the night, almost paralysed because of how utterly revolting I feel in my skin, and removed his arm from around me because I just can't have anybody near me.

It's got to the point where I want to rip my flesh from my bones and I haven't felt like that since before starting hormone therapy.

My dysphoria around my 'lower regions' has worsened as well for some reason. There's something definitely missing and it's making me seriously reconsider the decision to not put myself through lower surgery.

This period of really terrible dysphoria feels like my body is constantly telling me something is wrong. I can physically feel a presence or lack thereof of body parts.

The reality is, if you see me wandering around campus, you'd have no idea I was feeling uncomfortable in my own body, but in my mind I'd probably be feeling my skin crawl.

I am not writing this for anything except spreading awareness of trans issues. I don't particularly want people knowing about my insecurities, however, I promised to bear all when I began this blog and I intend to continue to do so, in order to show what it's truly like to be trans. 522 days after last writing about how much I hated my body and it is still a daily struggle.

It does get easier. I am overall happier in life, more confident and a lot of the places I hated on my body in the previous blog post (link at the top) are no longer a bother, but there is no quick fix to owning the wrong body.

fab

Trans and Tattooed

It has been over two years since I got my first tattoo. I can remember sitting nervously in the waiting area, overwhelmed by the stench of antibacterial gel, and staring at my upper left forearm, thinking of how it will never look the same again. For a lot of people, the permanence of tattoos is enough to put them off the idea, but for me, it is exactly why I am totally addicted to adding to my collection.

Transitioning is a very slow and desperate process. Waiting times for hormone replacement treatment and surgeries are long - literally years long - so, many trans people look to other ways to speed up their transition into a body they can love. That's what a transition is, it's physical, not mental. The point I feel like I spend my entire life putting across to people is that being transgender is not a mental condition, but a physical one, that's why we change our bodies, not our minds.

(Perhaps if gender identity clinics weren't classed as mental health clinics within the NHS, waiting times would be a whole lot shorter... alternatively, mental health services could actually be designated appropriate funding. But that's a WHOLE other topic for another day!)

To speed up their transition, some people seek alternative ways of increasing their testosterone levels, some people get fit, and some get body modifications.

This is certainly why I get my tattoos. It creates a new piece of my body that I like. When I'm deciding what to get next, I see my body almost as a jigsaw puzzle. Where should I fill in next? It's like saying goodbye to an old piece of the body you very much hated and felt uncomfortable in.

Not all trans people feel dysphoria or the need to physically transition, but for me, my dysphoria is the only trans thing about me... and perhaps my secret collection of trans memes.

Tattoos can empower and liberate anyone, whoever they are or however they identify, but for me my tattoos really do keep me going, and two years ago, they kept me alive.

Let me introduce you to my ever-growing collection. Trust me, I would have a lot more but the student lifestyle is more beer and pot noodles than champagne and tattoos.

1) Trans tattoo

My first is my 'trans' tattoo. I didn't want the trans flag nor symbol because I effectively didn't want 'I AM TRANS' drawn permanently onto my body. This was at a time when I was nowhere near proud to be transgender, it was just a constant source of torture and the last thing I wanted to be, but I did want something to document my journey.

I created this design out of glyphs, which are small symbols that have different meanings. The glyphs stand for: transition. transform, transcend and transfuse. So, essentially, it is a very trans-orientated tattoo, but unless you just so happen to know your glyphs, you'd never know.

I would possibly consider getting a more obvious trans tattoo now, as I am proud of my journey and my community, but I don't plan to any time soon.

2) Rexy

My best friend is called Rex! He's wacky, he's intelligent, he can be a massive pain in the arse and, quite simply, that's why I love him. We have seven years of some really messy history but for the last three we've been inseparable. No one really knows either of us until they've met the other.

For his 19th birthday, I decided to get a tattoo dedicated to him and the obvious choice was a tyrannosaurus rex. I searched all over for a design and eventually, by complete accident, I stumbled across this design by one of my favourite artists. A t-rex floating up with balloons, holding a cocktail glass, and I though, yeah, that's my friend.

So now I have Rexy on my calf.

(Rex, you still owe me a tattoo!)

3) Bee

My bee is possibly my favourite tattoo so far. I like getting tattoos to remind me of people. This bee is for my mum. She's such an amazing person, I hope you get the pleasure of meeting her one day, you'll love her just as the rest of my friends do. She's so open minded and is one of my best friends because of it. She is a bee keeper and I love insect tattoos (I need more).

The long sting is so that I can incorporate it into a sleeve eventually.

4) "I will not stay silent so you can stay comfortable"

I LOVE this tattoo because it gives me a great indication as to whether I will get along with somebody or not. More open minded people tend to like it, whereas close minded people tend to just assume that I'm angry at the world.

This tattoo is read by people in different ways. Some read it as I will stand up against the oppressor despite inconveniencing them and some read it as I will stand up for the oppressed so that they can feel comfortable. Either way is correct, but it should be interesting for you to see who you assumed I was talking to.

Some people, usually older folk, find this tattoo offensive. They tend to come from rich, white, middle-class backgrounds, in other words: ignorant, privileged people. They think I'm a rebellious troublemaker, perhaps because they've been sheltered from real world issues, or maybe they just don't care. The truth is, if you immediately take offence to my tattoo, you're probably one of those people...

I believe that if you have privilege, you should use it to liberate those who don't, hence this tattoo.

5) Seahorse

Another subtle trans tattoo. Male seahorses are the ones who give birth. A lot of transmen still bare children and I think they're the bravest men in the world. You never know, I might do it myself one day (doubt it though)!

6) Flag

I got this matching tattoo with my wonderful friend, Sarah, when we went to Brighton Pride. It was her first tattoo and although she isn't LGBT+ herself, she got this with me as an ally, and I really admire her for that.

I took her tattoo virginity, so she took my burrito virginity!

7) Bow tie

My bow tie is to remind me of the summer of 2017. I spent it improving myself and falling in love with my best friend. My geek of a (now) boyfriend is rarely seen without a bow tie and so that is where the inspiration came from.

I know not all tattoos need to having a meaning, but my tattoos mean the world to me.

fab

One and a Half Years on T - Update

Hi everyone!!

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I haven't been actively keeping up this blog as being trans is no longer an enormous part of my life. That being said, my transition never stops and I have made some exciting progress!!

The 13th of November marked one years and six months of hormone replacement treatment and life is better than ever. I have started my degree in Sociology with Human Rights (my absolute passion) and have consequently moved to Essex, a place I already consider home. I have made some brilliant friends and I feel perfectly safe stumbling back from the club at the two in the morning wearing pink shorts, a Disney t-shirt and covered in glitter!!

I (try to) regularly go to the gym and have started a weekly Pilates class which I love.

Over the Summer, I met my best friend who, a month ago, became my boyfriend (left, in the photo).

On the 2nd of November, I went to my first consultation for top surgery at Charring Cross. The idea was that I had to have two assessments before being referred to have top surgery. However, because they delayed my first appointment by five months (so the wait was eleven months), the doctors had agreed to both sign for my referral as long as I was continuing to make good progress. Luckily, they agreed that I am, so I have officially been referred!!

I have chosen to have top surgery with Catherine Milroy, as she is local (London) and she has the shortest waiting time (three months). I plan to book my surgery for the beginning of the Summer holidays so I can recover at home and it doesn't affect my studies. I can't wait to feel free. I live in a tower block with 16 people to each floor, so I never leave my room without my binder on and exercise is quite restricted. It's so exciting to think that this will no longer be a problem in a matter of months.

Basically, other than deadlines and failing at learning Spanish, I couldn't be happier!!

Hope you're all well, keep in touch!!

fab

The Hormone Trough

Currently, I am overdue my hormone jab and it's horrible.

Usually, I get very low but for some reason this time my emotions are running very high, mainly experiencing anger and frustration.

I think this is due to the fact that I am in almost constant pain with cramps (like period cramps, except without the period). It is so debilitating and can leave me feeling faint and nauseous.

Baggy clothing is the only option as I am suffering from so much dysphoria and hatred of my body that I need to hide it as much as possible.

I know that feeling like this is ridiculous as I'm becoming more and more body confident by the week and life is pretty wonderful right now, but I really can't help these mood swings. I can go from being completely care-free to wanting to rip my flesh from my bones in the matter of seconds.

My next jab is on Monday and it can't come any sooner.

The Difference a Year Makes

It was a year ago today that I posted a blog piece called 'One and a Half Months on T, and Single'.

Link:

http://fabrierley.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/one-and-half-months-on-t-and-single.html

It came up on Facebook this morning and so I decided to have a look at it. To my surprise, what was a very serious and upsetting piece to write at the time, made me fall about laughing! Here's why:

"Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know." - This is hilarious as I have not been with a woman since, whereas I have been with multiple men, including two boyfriends.

"Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting." - This is somewhat still true, I still feel a bit dysphoric after sex sometimes, but I realised that lower surgery is in the very distant future and there's nothing I can do about that. The only person keeping me from enjoying sex is myself... sometimes.

"I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!!" - This is the really funny part, as anyone who knows me personally now knows that I'm hairy as hell and pretty much a self-proclaimed bottom.

"All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him." - It is insane how much difference a year makes. I'm still friends with this guy, but in all honesty, I barely remember feeling this way. It's a bit sad but I wouldn't revisit that part of my life.

So, that's it. In just one year, I've discovered myself and become a whole lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin... and a lot more gay.

fab

A Second Transition

The last month has been a weird one.

I celebrated 1 year on T on the 13th of May... kind of. That day was an enormous eye opener as to how miserable I was. I was still very unhappy with my body, recently had my heart broken, was drinking too much and very behind on my college work. My living situation also changed very dramatically as my grandmother was moved into a home, which has consequently given me my freedom back, but also means that I'll be without a home to come back to next year.

I decided that I was the only one who could turn my situation into a positive.

I've always relied on others to make me happy, I haven't been more than six months without a relationship since I was fifteen and became lonely very easily. I think it is trans-related as I've always needed reassurance that I'm good enough, which obviously got me into situations and relationships that were very unhealthy.

I decided that I needed to create my own happiness.

I started working out, spending more time with my friends and getting my coursework done.

Now, 38 days later, I'm in the happiest place I think I have ever been.

I'm going to the gym almost daily, I feel more of a part of my friendship group as my confidence has grown, and I've caught up with my coursework and will definitely have the grades I need to get into university.

I have also got over my last relationship. I'm actually enjoying being single and have no desire to commit to anyone new. I plan to move to university in October and start my new life on my own, which I'm so excited for.

I've also met another transman who I've become very close to. I've always wanted a good relationship with another transguy, but never found one I had a whole lot in common with. This guy is basically me so we never really run out of things to talk about!

I feel as though it's almost been a second transition. I figured out who I am, now I need to become the best me I can possibly be.

fab

12 Months on T - Voice Comparison

This will be my last monthly voice comparison.
From now on, I plan to do them every six months.

fab

12 Months on T - Dear Pre-T Me

Dear pre-t me,

It’s yourself, but with a deeper voice and a lot more body hair.

I am twelve months on testosterone. That’s right. You make it.

Although I had a lot of support and guidance, I wish I had more of a clue of what I was in for. So, here’s the information I never received.

You’ll have to wait longer than you’d hoped to start hormones, but it does happen. On Friday the Thirteenth of May.

You’ll get your T letter just before Christmas 2015 and you’ll go to your GP’s bursting with excitement, only to have your heart crushed. You’ll get the news that you must have a CAT scan due to a hormone imbalance, and there’s a six-month waiting time. You’re going to go home, crawl into bed and cry. You’ll feel defeated and hopeless.

The months will drag, but you’ll still be able to have fun thanks to your friends.

You’ll cry a lot. Almost every night and every time you have shower or when you shop for trousers.

You’ll get frustrated with your body and want to rip your flesh from your bones.

You might even do something stupid.

Then you’ll realise that you never want to go back to that place. That you need to make your own happiness.

You’ll fall in love and he’ll prove to you that you’re lovable and being trans does not have to affect a relationship.

You’ll start to feel happier and spend more time with friends.

Then, you’ll be assaulted. In a bathroom at a local pub.

You won’t tell anybody.

Your anxiety will start to take over your life. Public bathrooms will become the enemy. You’ll dehydrate yourself until you feel ill just to avoid them.

Finally, you’ll have your CAT scan and, one week later, they’ll tell you there’s nothing wrong.

You’ll go to your doctor again and be told that they need a letter from an NHS clinic to be able to administer your T shots.

You’ll go home feeling exactly how you felt six months previously.

Then you’ll talk to Mum and decide to start T privately. She’ll say ‘We just need to get you started, you’ve waited so long’. You’ll call the clinic and they’ll tell you that you can start next Friday. You’ll cry with joy.

You’ll go the appointment and have your first shot. It will hurt. A lot. You’ll worry that he did it wrong, but find out it’s natural. You’ll be annoyed that nobody had warned you how much it hurts.

The first couple of months on T are hard. Exciting. But hard. The first week you will enter a strange sort of depression because you’ve been so hyped for the injection, but you suddenly realise that the effects aren’t instant, and don’t know when you’ll start to see any changes.

Your libido will take over your life. Every day will revolve around your sex drive, it will be all you think about.

Your sexuality will change daily. You’ll break up with the boyfriend that got you through so much, because of it.

Your head will be a mess of libido and confusion. You’ll be unable to concentrate.

You’ll also discover a new emotion: anger. You’ll punch something once and realise how stupid it was so you’ll start exercising as a way of getting rid of the feeling.

Your voice will start cracking after three weeks and you’ll notice some extra body hair.

Over the next few months, your confidence will grow.

You’ll start to date again.

Your chest will bind more easily.

You’ll grow an insane snail trail.

You’ll have to start shaving your face.

Your voice will get lower than some of your cis-male friend’s.

You’ll get acne, but that’ll die down eventually.

Your shoulders will widen.

Your hips will narrow.

Your bum definitely gets smaller.

Your libido will chill out eventually.

You’ll no longer be able to cry.

You’ll stop being misgendered.

You’ll take a CBT course and learn how to control your anxiety.

You’ll start to use public bathrooms with no worries.

You’ll tell people about the assault.

Your anxiety will dramatically decrease.

You’ll start to wear clothes that you like and dye your hair (skip the whole green dye phase).

You’ll figure out what you want to do with your life.

You’ll find your purpose and meaning.

You’ll get your first consultation date for top surgery. You’ll go to your local and your friends will surprise you with prosecco and a toast.

At eleven months on T, you’ll go trouser shopping and you won’t cry. You’ll find some well-fitting suit trousers and you’ll realise just how far you’ve come.

You’ll barely even think about being trans, because you’re completely accepted as male by everyone you come across.

You’ll still meet and get to know new and amazing people.

You’ll still fall madly in love.

You’ll still make mistakes.

You’ll still get your heart broken.

You’ll still be able to pick yourself back up.

You’ll still find life just a little too much sometimes.

But it’ll continue to get easier.

Dear pre-t me,

Thank you for getting me this far. I can take it from here.

fab

11 Months on T - Voice Comparison

Almost a whole year!
Have the last comparison:

(Check out the sideburns, though)

I haven't posted very much in the last few months and that's because there's not really very much to talk about anymore! Being trans is no longer a massive part of my life as I'm never misgendered nor treated differently.

It's awesome.

fab

10 Months on T - Voice Comparison

Once again, all that has changed is I've got even hairier.
I had my first night out in London for a very long time. A few friends and I went to a Ska night and it really proved to me that I have come so so far. My main worry was always using men's toilets, especially in unfamiliar places, such as the bar we were in... I didn't even have an anxiety about using them and had no problems with anything that night.
I am finally free to live a normal life as my authentic self and it's awesome.
Have a voice comparison update:

fab

9 Months on T - Update

Not much has changed in the last month, except more hair on my stomach and chest.

I just had my fourth testosterone injection, so I should be able see more noticeable changes in the next month or so.

My confidence continues to grow. I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to start doing stuff like dye my hair and wearing the clothes I like after years of just miserably trying to pass and hide in the background. I can finally be my authentic self and people see me for who I really am.

I now feel confident enough to look for another job. I haven't worked since last May due to anxiety and other responsibilities, but I finally feel ready and motivated.
I recently contacted the BBC about a series they're making about trans people in the early stages of transitioning. They said they like my blog *blush* but I'm too far in my transition to be particularly helpful to them. I can't even express how happy that made me. Apparently I'm no longer in the early stages of transitioning, and that feels awesome!!
On a bit of a bum note, my first consultation for top surgery has been pushed back to November instead of August. Obviously this is heart-breaking but I've come way too far to let a few months get me down. I'm still smiling!!

Have a voice comparison update, it's noticeably changed again:

fab

2017 so far

Twenty fivedays in and 2017 is looking pretty good.

This time last year I was in a very dark and scary place, somewhere I never want to go back to. Now, I'm eight months on hormones and progressing happily in my transition.

On the 12th, I had my second Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic appointment. The NHS are now taking over my hormone prescriptions which is amazing as it'll cost £8 per shot rather than £120.

They have also given me an appointment for my first assessment for top surgery on the 30th of August. After that, I will get a second assessment around this time next year and then all I have to do is choose a surgeon and they will refer me, so 2018 will be the year of my top surgery!!

I have had so much overwhelming support from so many people, I know they will make the wait easier, especially this one:

On a down note, I've been suffering from really bad cramps, like period pains only sharper. I've been told it's normal, after all my reproductive system is fighting against a whole load of testosterone. It is likely that I will require a hysterectomy in the next few years anyway, but I'm glad the doctor didn't even mention that as I don't feel ready to go through that sort of procedure yet.

One very strange turn of events is that my trousers falling down has sort of become a part of my life. It's happened in public - and I mean like high street public - three times this month and I've finally stopped convincing myself that I don't need new trousers (there's a hole in the butt of my jeans, so that's the final straw). I take it as a good thing though, my waist has dropped a size and my arse is getting smaller so thank you hormones!! I've gone from 9st6lbs to 8st12lbs in the last six months.

I've started seeing a guy who I feel very comfortable with, which is different for me. It's proving to me that, although I have a long way to go, I can feel comfortable in my skin.

I've been getting really great feedback about this blog, which is a massive confidence boost. If you're interested in a certain topic or have any questions don't hesitate to ask me and I'll make a post on it if I already haven't.

Hope everybody's year has got off to an equally good start (ignoring the inauguration)!!

fab

8 Months on T - Update and Voice Comparison

EIGHT MONTHS WHAT

Let's get started.

My snail trail has spread out so my stomach is quite furry, I'm also getting hairs on my chest. My facial hair is still pathetic but if I don't shave I get some pretty awesome - if barely visible - mutton chops.

My acne has got considerably worse. It's not that bad, but it's just annoying and I'd rather not have it so I have prescribed gel.

My body shape continues to gradually change. I'm having to wear belts and braces (mainly braces) with most of my trousers after they fell down along the high street one time...

My voice is pretty much the same, although I rarely have voice cracks anymore, so I think it's pretty much settled. Take a look:

Everybody says that testosterone doesn't change who you are. I agree with this because essentially I am still the exact same person I was in May, but there is one vital difference. I'm happy.

I don't cry about my body anymore.

I don't dehydrate myself so I can avoid using public bathrooms.

I don't hide in the cubicle until the bathroom is empty so I can sneak out.

I don't have crippling anxiety anymore.

I don't avoid talking to strangers because of my voice.

I don't feel the need to be in a relationship.

I don't feel trapped.

My outlook on life is much brighter and I'm able to be myself around others, with out holding back in fear of being misgendered.

So, yes, I have changed somewhat, but not in the way most would think. I'm still very much in touch with my feminine side and enjoy the same things I did pre-T.

Basically, I'm happier, more confident, more blunt, more relaxed, more driven and more sociable.

I may not be a role model for the trans community, I don't travel to meet other trans people, or have a six-pack (and never will, I'm far too lazy), or do talks etc, but I do hope that I have enlightened some people and perhaps even changed their opinions on transitioning for the better.

Please continue to encourage trans people to get this far. I never knew how happy a jab in the butt every three months could make me. *face palms*

fab

Self Acceptance

After over two years of being 'Frank', I can finally, whole-heartedly say that I accept myself.

For a very long time, I felt a lot of anger and frustration that I wasn't 'normal' and that my life had to be so much harder simply because I was transgender.

I felt useless, helpless and incredibly unattractive.

I still feel this way the large majority of the time, but if I have learned anything from the LGBTQ community, it's to own who you are.

For example, the word queer used to be a derogatory term for anybody under the LGBTQ umbrella, until the community took the word and said 'Yes, I am queer, and there's nothing wrong with that!'

Once you embrace who you are, you can start to build a happy life with healthy relationships.

I am transsexual and I am going to own it.

I'm the person people come to when they have loved ones who are struggling with their gender identity.

I'm the person people come to when they have questions.

I'm the person that can potentially help a trans brother or sister get through the difficult stages I've already been through.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Same goes for any other transman or transwoman.

You may be in an unusual situation or been through a difficult event yourself. Pick yourself up, do what you have to do to be happy, learn from that experience and encourage others who have been through the same, and perhaps feel very alone, to keep going and live a fulfilled life.

Inspire happiness.

This doesn't mean that I'm in any way comfortable with my body, I still have a very long way to go before I will feel that way, but that won't stop me from being who I am now.

This also doesn't mean that I want everybody to know that I'm trans. More than anything I want to be viewed as a biological guy and I'm fortunate enough to have reached a stage where strangers don't even question my gender anymore. Being trans isn't even a particularly large part of my life anymore, because I'm surrounded by people who don't treat me differently. However, in my community, I will reveal absolutely everything and anything to help a brother/sister and, likewise, I know they've got my back.

A community always comes down to the individuals. If we learn to own ourselves, we will individually become much happier. This would result in a much happier society. The difficulty arises when we must realise that it is okay to be ourselves but it is also okay for our neighbour to be very different. My stance on this matter has always been 'if they're not hurting anybody, then I have no problem with them'.

Perhaps if more people thought the same way, there would be more love in the world.

fab