Voice Comparison - 2 Months on T

Really really really happy!! You never realise how much it's changed until you compare it.

Parties

Parties are always a bit daunting for anybody who is self-conscious or suffers from anxiety.

So as a transman who suffers from anxiety, parties can be exhausting.

On the 10th of November 2014, I went to my first party as Frank. I'd warned people beforehand that I didn't want to be referred to as my dead-name* and as soon as the front door opened Vini shouted "Frank!", gave me a big hug and forced a vodka shot down my throat.

As the evening went on, people made an effort to call me Frank and use male pronouns.

Although, the evening ended in a panic attack and being driven home by an ex-boyfriend, it was a good party and I realised how much I had been taking my friends for granted over the years.

Thank you all for being so accepting <3

Nowadays, dead-naming and misgendering aren't really a problem. New acquaintances may slip up on pronouns, but my friends have my back and I'm not too sensitive about it anymore.

Issues do occur when people I meet have a lot of questions and don't know what is polite and what is offensive and invasive, especially when drunk.

"What are you?"

"So if you like girls, are you a lesbian?"

"Do you have a penis?"

"When you get a penis, can I see it?"

You don't have to be a genius to realise that these questions are inappropriate or could cause upset.

Otherwise, I like parties, I love my friends, I enjoy meeting new people and am very much looking forward to the next one.

(Sorry, for pushing you off the sofa, Mitko)

*A dead-name is the name a trans person was given at birth but no longer goes by. You should never dead-name a trans person.

fab

Anxiety

I suffer from anxiety.

There, I said it.

I suffer from anxiety, which I find strange as, mentally, I consider myself to be incredibly laidback.

I know that everything is okay and that even if the worst happened, I'd have so much support, but my body constantly lets me down.

It began when I pulled my stomach from heavy lifting at my old college. On the two hour train journey home, I suddenly felt frighteningly nauseous and ended up spending half an hour actually trying to make myself throw up in the Baker Street toilets. That journey home was the one of the worst experiences of my life and ever since the fear of throwing up has become constant. I also got gastritis very soon afterwards. I take tablets to settle my stomach and avoid any acidic foods and drinking too much alcohol. 

Recently, I've also started to feel faint and find it hard to breathe. It comes on very suddenly and leads to more nausea and panic.

Once panic sets in, I start to get heart palpitations. I have tablets to decrease adrenaline now. My chill pills.

I used to get frequent panic attacks which, to be honest, I preferred because you could lead a laidback, energetic lifestyle in between. Furthermore, panic attacks are quite brief and make you feel grand afterwards, whereas this anxiety is a daily struggle.

(I'm not actually promoting panic attacks, they're horrible)

It's quite debilitating, as everything could be fine, but my body completely let's me down. Even going to parties with people I'm completely comfortable with makes me feel really panicky.

Another cause of anxiety when going out is using public toilets. I never use the women's and due to a few unpleasant experiences in men's bathrooms, I refuse to go anywhere that doesn't have a separate men's bathroom or a disabled bathroom. At least until I pass better.

As I continue to change and pass better and my confidence grows, I hope my anxieties will lessen.

fab

Where I feel Dysphoria

A list of parts of my body that I'm self-conscious about and make me feel disgusting:

1. My head - I feel like I have a disproportionally small head compared to my body.
2. My cheeks - I have quite chubby cheeks, which everyone loves to point out.
3. My jaw - I have a very soft jaw line.
4. My lack of facial hair - I'd love a beard.
5. My neck - I have a long, slender neck. Although, I have notices that it's getting broader since I started T.
6. My shoulders - They aren't broad enough.
7. My arms - I'm working on gaining a little bit more muscle so they're not quite so thin and gangly.
8. My torso - I have a very narrow torso, I wish it were wider.
9. My chest - Well... I have boobs.
10. My stomach - I've put on a lot of weight since starting T.
11. My hips - My hips are the thing I hate most. They're wide and make me so angry and upset. If I ever have a day when I don't want to leave the house, it's because I'm extremely unhappy about my hips.
12. My bum - Although it's getting smaller, it's not small enough yet.
13. My thighs - I have chubby thighs, which I hate.
14. My calves - They're very thin compared to my thighs. I think it looks weird.
15. My feet - I'm a size 5. Do you know how difficult it is to find decent men's shoes in size 5?!

Altogether I just feel very out of proportion.

A list of parts of my body that I like:

1. My hair - It's very soft and appears to change colour depending on the weather.
2. My eyes - I like the fact that they're quite greeny.
3. My teeth - I had braces, so my teeth are pretty straight.
4. My tattoos - My trans tattoo and my t-rex tattoo mean a lot to me.

fab

Cisphobia - The Hatred of People 'Born in the Right Body'

(I'm aware that this is a touchy topic, but it is something I feel that I need to speak up about)

Today is, apparently, straight pride.

I've read a lot of rants from LGBTQ members about why this is wrong:

• Straight people have never been punished, bullied, beaten or killed for being straight.
• To claim straight pride is to deny the horrific history of the LGBTQ community.
• Being straight is easy, there is no coming out or worry of being abandoned.
• It could be considered a piss-take.

All true, right?! And perhaps you've heard this before:

So perhaps straight pride isn't necessary. But why can't straight people have as much pride as lesbians, gays, bisexuals, etc?

For example:

Overall, the trans community are the most loving, accepting and brave group of people I have ever had the pleasure to know and become a part of. Why? Because they know what it is like to be abandoned, abused and feel the constant desperation to be loved for who they truly are.

However, everybody has heard of transphobia, but I've also witnessed cisphobia within the trans community. Yes, being trans is incredibly hard, but blaming people for not understanding and attacking and spreading hate just sets off a cycle of hatred between communities.

As a trans person, I very quickly realised that being angry and sensitive was not going to allow me to live a happy life. When somebody says something mildly offensive or inaccurate, the likelihood is that they are either interested, uneducated, or somebody you don't need to waste your time speaking to.

By being so quick to anger, I feel that it gives off the stereotype that all trans people are angry and unapproachable. Which is simply not true.

Yes. People should be careful with their words and questions to make sure they are not being offensive or inappropriate, but that goes for everybody to everybody.

I'm aware that this may be easier for me to say as I'm surrounded by people who I know will back me up if anything ever turns ugly, but taking this calmer, more open approach to, perhaps ignorant, people makes life not only easier for yourself but also means that they can't hold anything against you, because you come across as a decent, chilled out person.

Personally, I'm incredibly open to anybody as long as they're not making fun of me or being inappropriate. It's difficult to know the boundaries, I know, I guess for me it depends on how well we know each other. I hate to think that my friends hold off from asking questions, because it makes me feel unapproachable and isolated in a strange way.

So, I feel that being angry at cisgender people for being ignorant about trans issues is totally unnecessary and a waste of energy.

How can I expect anybody to respect my transition and who I am, if I don't respect everybody else's identity?

Back on topic...

The same stance on cisgender people, should apply to straight people also.

In an ideal world there would be no such thing as LGBTQ pride, because there would be no need for it, as it would be as accepted in society as being straight. The point that I'm trying to convey is that everybody deserves to feel pride and nobody deserves hate.

The message the LGBTQ community are constantly putting across is that it is normal and natural to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans or any other sexuality or gender. Yet we need our pride.

But if everybody is the same as everybody else, no matter who they are or love... can't straight people take pride in being straight?

fab

One and a Half Months on T, and Single

I had to break up with the man I love yesterday. Not because we had an argument, nor because we are no longer compatible, but because my changing sexuality has left me perplexed and quite depressed.

My sexuality was never something I've felt that I've had to hide. I've identified as straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay and, for the past year, I've considered myself to not have a sexual preference. If I found someone attractive, I found someone attractive, if I fell in love with someone, I fell in love with someone, gender was never an issue.

Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?

Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know. I secretly like to think so because I find that I'm a lot more at ease with men, and, to be perfectly honest, pretty damn awkward around women I find attractive.

I'm sure that what many people want to ask about, but feel too invasive doing so, is sex. I'll actually write about it another time (obviously not about my sex life but my view on certain aspects of sex as a trans person).

Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting.

I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!! (I feel too awkward explaining what a 'bottom' is to those who aren't aware of the expression so feel free to look it up)

All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him.

fab

The Feeling of Emptiness

Since starting testosterone, my mood and thought processes have been the hardest change.

My mood dramatically plummeted in the first week and I found it very hard not to go over the edge. However, writing this blog has actually really lifted my spirits. Just writing out how I feel, whether anybody reads it or not, makes me feel a lot better about it all.

I feel like I've become a lot more aggressive, not only am I quick to anger, but I've realised that I've started saying what I think, almost blurting it out, whereas before I wouldn't have said anything.

I've found it very hard to concentrate as well. Not on coursework, or socializing, but on my emotions. I can't for the life of me think about how I truly feel about anything important. I can sit there for minutes, thinking of the issue and desperately trying to dig deep inside my skull and discover how I feel about it, just to end up with the same nonchalant attitude about it. It's like trying the grab smoke.

This has made things especially difficult with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I really do, but recently I just can't feel anything strongly towards him. It's especially frustrating as my sexuality has seemed to have left me attracted to women only.

I like to think that I love him enough that sexuality means nothing.

I assume that the feeling of emptiness will subside, I guess I just have to rediscover myself again.

fab