I had to break up with the man I love yesterday. Not because we had an argument, nor because we are no longer compatible, but because my changing sexuality has left me perplexed and quite depressed.
My sexuality was never something I've felt that I've had to hide. I've identified as straight, bisexual, lesbian, gay and, for the past year, I've considered myself to not have a sexual preference. If I found someone attractive, I found someone attractive, if I fell in love with someone, I fell in love with someone, gender was never an issue.
Right now, I can only imagine myself with a woman. So why don't I think that I'm fully straight?
Because I still find men attractive. Whether I will end up being with a man again, I simply don't know. I secretly like to think so because I find that I'm a lot more at ease with men, and, to be perfectly honest, pretty damn awkward around women I find attractive.
I'm sure that what many people want to ask about, but feel too invasive doing so, is sex. I'll actually write about it another time (obviously not about my sex life but my view on certain aspects of sex as a trans person).
Currently, having sex with a cisgender man is too uncomfortable and, however much I enjoy it, sets off my dysphoria and I'm left feeling disgusting.
I might be 2mm below 5'4", practically hairless and kind of twinky-looking, but I've come to realise that I am not a bottom!! (I feel too awkward explaining what a 'bottom' is to those who aren't aware of the expression so feel free to look it up)
All of this has made me feel lost, depressed and, above all, heart broken. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I still love him as much as I did when I first told him at Marylebone station. He has been there for me every step of the way since he entered my life and although I secretly hope I will rediscover my original sexuality, I refuse to lead him on and make him wait. I love him too much to do that to him.
fab
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