Why I did not go to London Pride 2016

I did not go to London Pride 2016 because I am not yet proud.

I am not 'proud' of who I am.

I am comfortable in my sexuality, but I would not say that I am 'proud' of it.

I take no pride in being transsexual. There is nothing cool or glamorous about being trans. It's actually completely awful. Waking up and fighting the same urges every single day to just stay in bed and hope the world will forget about you is exhausting and tedious and, more than anything, I wish it would just stop. But it won't unless I pick myself up and make the changes that will make me happier happen.

The main reason I am not proud is because my identity has not yet benefitted others, it has not made anybody happy nor change anybody's views on trans issues.

Having said all of this, something that I have come to terms with recently is that I want to make a difference. I used to be so unhappy about being trans that I didn't want anybody to know once it became less obvious. But I've realised that being bitter and wallowing in my own self pity is not going to help anybody, especially myself. There are too many LGBT members who are suffering and losing their lives whilst I'm transitioning smoothly and fully accepted in my own little world.

I want to stand for LGBT rights and fight against hate. I want to educate people, I want to spread the message that sexuality, gender and love is not a weapon nor evil. To make people feel safe in being who they are and create a community that will stand up for each other, whether they're black, white, Christian, Muslim, straight, gay, cis, trans, or anything in between.

Then, and only then, will I feel pride.
And if I, myself, am killed for what I believe in then I will join my heroes, Harvey Milk, Matt Shepherd, Leelah Alcorn, the Orlando victims, and all the people who have gone before me, whether taken by a gun, a blade or by their own accord, and we will have a lot to talk about.

Everyone should feel pride in themselves, this is just how I feel. My feelings do not represent how the trans community feel and I hope they find pride in themselves easier than me.

fab